Keepin' It Gangsta...Marty McFly Style (Image)

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Failblog wants to call this a FAIL, but...gullwing doors on a minivan? That's the very definition of a WIN.

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The Most Useful Use of $300 Since That Hooker I Got

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What? The dude who made this spent a total of $300 to make it. Which means that he probably pirated a bunch of software. Which is cool so not cool. Watch this shit. It's entertaining. Plus you don't have to pay $300 to watch it. Some schmuck paid $300 to make it and then release it for free! BAH!



Honestly. If only I'd have been born into a somewhat well-to-do family.

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Why Try? Also, British Spaceyness (Video)

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Why even try to update this motherbitch every day? I'm officially saying "Fuck You" to the month of January for ruining my one and only New Year's Resolution. That's right. I'm not taking any fucking credit for this. Fuck fuckity fuck.

This is cool. British people talking about how fucking big the universe is.


(via ">SDSS-III)

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The Milky Way (Oh Yeah)

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I'm so ordering these for my lady. Because you don't really need to be breastfeeding to wear this.

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Jon Stewart's Reaction to Arizona Shootings (Video)

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I've always been a fan of The Daily Show. I almost never watch it because...I just don't watch a lot of "current" shows. Nonetheless, I caught this clip of Jon Stewart working through his emotions on the subject of the Tuscon shooting of Representative Giffords and 19 other people, leaving six dead.

Jon - thank you for being a voice of reason.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Arizona Shootings Reaction
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire Blog</a>The Daily Show on Facebook

*note - If you're a developer, take a look at the code for that video embed...isn't that the sloppiest code you've ever seen??

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Holy Shit I Suck (Now With Video!)

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How did I miss three days worth of posts?

OH that's right because it's been...y'know what. No excuses. Here's a video or something. It's actually a pretty cool time lapse shot of New York City. So yeah.

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Dear Ke$ha (Image)

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What Your Christmas Gift Is Really Worth (Infographic)

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I fucking love these infographic things. It's like the same guy makes all of them. And then makes me a sammich and pats me on the bottom in that sort of camaraderie building way and then if I respond positively to it then he'll cup my cheek a little bit next time and before I know it he's examining my prostate and oh my god am I having a flashback to tee ball?

So yes. Here's an infographic from those fucking morons over at Gizmodo (I'm too lazy to link to them so here's all kind of credit and pats on the legal backs for them: "Yay!") that depicts something. I honestly don't even know anymore. I need to bleach my anus...

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Why You Should Never Help the Helpless: A Cautionary Tale

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So there's this ex-con guy I know. Like...not a slicked-back hair wearing used car salesman who did a 3 year stint for touching his seventeen year old niece-in-law...we're talking a hardened criminal who did ten years for soliciting prostitution, dealing hard drugs and fucking shooting someone.

Why my office decides to keep him on staff continues to perplex me (I've come to the conclusion that he's part Native American or something and we have to keep him on staff to meet diversity requirements) because he's so vastly unprofessional that it's just astonishing...but I digress.

I loaned him twenty dollars two weeks ago. Y'know because I'm a white guy and any time someone insinuates that we're not giving or generous we go out and give everyone a bunch of fucking money and smallpox blankets and AIDS and shit. Well so I let him borrow twenty bucks for "bus fare" which is apparently what the so-stupid-that-you-have-a-full-time-job-and-you're-still-almost-homeless are calling "Four Loko money nigggggaaaaaaaz!" these days. He promised he'd pay me back January 5th, 2011 AD.

That day came and went. We are now onto January 8th...and I politely ask him,

"Where's my money?"

He replies, "Oh I'm 'on have to get that to you on the next one."

"The next what?"

"The next paycheck."

"What happened to this paycheck?"

"I um...I been taking the bus a lot lately."

Really? You're going to commit to this? You spent your whole fucking paycheck on bus fare? Where the fuck are you taking the bus to every day? Do you commute from fucking Oregon?

"Yeah. So that's bullshit. Don't bullshit me."

"Um...yeah but we cool, right?"

"No we not cool."

"Well it's just I...y'know I went out and partied a little hard."

I'm a white dude who grew up largely in a major metropolitan suburb and I don't even seriously say the phrase "partied a little hard." Bridging the ethnic divide we are not.

"OK so you're telling me now that not only do you not have the money that you promised me, but that you also don't have it because you made partying a higher priority than keeping your word? AND you're telling me that you lied to me about the purpose of the money in the first place? No. No we are not cool."

*pause*

"Have my money by tonight or so help me God I will spray you with pepper spray until your dead little eyes pop out of your skull."

I'm such a fuckhuggable delight.

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Solar Eclipse In Your FACE (Video)

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If you're anything like me, and let's face it - you are...because I'm the only who reads this horseshit...then you're always saying "OH I'm gonna go see the solar eclipse and the lunar eclipse and the Spice Girls and um...I mean the solar eclipse!" but then you never end up actually seeing it because you get drunk and fall asleep in the orphanage.

Well anyway. Here's a fucking eclipse.

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SOOO emo.

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It makes me happy to search my gmail with the operator "my lady" and have this come up...


Gay, right?

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What Your Crash Report REALLY Says (Image)

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C'mon...You know that's why it crashed...

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Presidential Reflections

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So I just woke up to an unsettling thought...

A decade ago (give or take a few years), we had a President in office who made wry jokes, handled the ladies and played the goddamned saxophone for the whole fucking country. Now we have a President who belongs to the same party whose lasting cultural contributions will include being the first president to have a Blackberry and the first President to Give secondhand smoke damage to his kids.

Next election I'm not voting for the candidate I think will do the best job...I'm voting for the FUN candidate. Government-run healthcare? Pfft. Try Government-run Dave & Busters!

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How Could Terrorists Want to Destroy This? (Video)

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Times were so simple back then...

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Top YouTube Videos of 2010 (Video)

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So I missed a day. You get a double dose today. Pfft.

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You Knew This Day Would Come, Yogi...

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video

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Put Down That Silly Putty

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(via XKCD)

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Day Two: Whatcha Gonna Do?

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In the words of Gerardo Mejîa, "Bust A Cap In 'Em."

It's day two of the new year and I'm gonna keep up my promise of blogging something every day. At this point I have no clue what today will hold, so this son'bitch is just a placeholder until I come up with something monstrously radical to post later.

That's right...monstrously radical.

Boobs.

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I Was Right About One Thing in 2010

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At the beginning of last year I made a proclamation that 2010 would change my life. Out of all the things I thought would happen last year, from me making a magabillion dollars (that's totally a real number) to me winning the baby lottery and getting my own show on TLC, the one thing I didn't think would really ever happen to me...did.

I don't often delve deep into personal matters here but I'm feeling extremely thankful today because of the one most important thing that did happen to me last year...I met the woman of my dreams, and...seriously...get this...somehow I convinced her to fall in love with me.

I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of misanthropy and being generally unloved as a result of said misanthropy....and then, out of nowhere came the one I'd always waited for.

So there ya go, Internet. I'm starting off 2010 on a positive note, happy and in love and wishing everyone a successful decade...and let's just hope that the 2000's don't end up looking like the 80's in hindsight.

Oh yeah and I didn't forget my resolution - this is day 1 folks. Keep on coming back!*






*HA. Nobody comes here.

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