The Funniest Video You'll See This Week (Honey Badger)

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Thanks to KaraH33 for sending this to me.


I Thought Women Loved Camel Toe?

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If you asked me where I came across this product I'd have an awful lot of explaining to do and you'd have to pay an awful lot for enough booze to get me to talk about it. I think you can probably gather what kinds of search terms were involved.

I am so...enlightened. Folks, let me let you in to the secret world of camel toe.

Can we, for a moment, talk about how many times this woman actually says the phrase "camel toe?" Four times in one minute and thirty seven seconds. That's four times in 97 seconds. Once every 25 seconds. On my best day, I don't say camel toe more than once a day.

First of all, is there not a more scientific term for camel toe than camel toe? I thought camel toe was what we all laughingly called it while beating off to it? No? Do women in locker rooms go "Oooh...Margaret, heads up, trousers down I can see your camel crown?"

God...I hope so.

So there's no appropriate way to talk about camel toe other than saying "Hey Madge, your vag looks like the toes of a Middle Eastern beast of burden." Great. Neat.

I guess I always thought that camel toes were like vadges (hahaha get it?) of courage. Like clearly if you're out and about you're going to notice...somehow....that your vagina is literally protruding through your pants. I don't have a vagina, but I've encountered a few, and it's my general understanding that it's not exactly a completely nerve-deprived area. I think the solution is cool with your vag. I know I am.

If the photos for the SmoothGroove leave anything to the imagination it's that...well the phrase...."NOTHING" comes to mind.

I put my hand up on your hip, when two lips are lips one lip.

So I'm to understand putting a big hard (heh) polymer maxi-pad is somehow comfortable enough to do some super hot sexy yoga in? Plus...homegirl there has some SERIOUS labia. It might just be time for basketball shorts?

Ladies? I need some input. Would you buy a SmoothGroove? In fact, I'm giving away a SmoothGroove to a randomly selected commenter on this post. Use it however you want to. Some alternative uses that I can think of:

1) Jai Alai equipment
2) Shoe horns
3) Grossing your friends out when you pull this out of your fucking pants.

If you do wanna purchase a SmoothGroove, they are currently selling for 15 pounds sterling. God save the queen. And the camel toe.

I'm drunk.


There's An OC Shaped Hole In My Heart (Video + Sarcasm)

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So I was watching this SNL Digital Short that a quick Google Search tells me is deadpanning the end of season two of The OC. I'll go ahead and get this out of the way, when the OC came out I thought "That's kind of quick-witted and boy, don't I wish I could have a rich daddy with fuzzy caterpillar eyebrows?" But I quickly lost interest as I was living in Southern California at the time and became disenfranchised as no rich families wanted to take me on as a financial responsibility and give me the chance I never had as a troubled teen.

"Dad? Will you rub your eyebrows on mine until I fall asleep?" "Son, you''re not my son. And you're 23. No." "I love you daddy."

So when I realized what they were making fun of, I became completely overwhelmed with joy. Here's the short:

Hope you enjoyed watching Shiah Lapoof get shot as much as I did. But watching this got me to thinking I should watch the clip they're referencing. So I can get it.

My house and heart flooded with shame as I remembered how I was like "Man that Adam Brody sure does have an adorable mop of hair that I'm going to try and emulate." Those were confusing times. My hair looked totally cooler than his though. It made me realize though, I had stopped watching the show somewhere near the end of the first season and NEVER looked back. If you know me at all, you know that once I need to know something...once that seed is planted, I have to know. So I immediately searched for a synopsis on how the series ended, which reminded me of how Mischa Barton is just...all kinds of unfortunate to me. These sentences are becoming run-ons, aren't they? They always have been? Fuck off.

I landed over at this website because Wikipedia was too lazy to have a plot summary for me. The author of this post summarized the episode with...quite a bit of emotion. Not very professional journalism, in this professional journalist's editorial opinion. I was utterly shocked to come across this conclusion drawn in the last paragraph:

In the end, Ryan achieved his dream. A college graduate who became an architect. It's fitting that the series ended on the same note that it started. Someone lending a troubled kid a hand. The whole thing is cyclical, as Sandy said earlier in the episode. What goes around comes around. Unfortunately, I don't think we'll see another show as well crafted and culturally meaningful as The OC come around again any time soon.

Are you fucking kidding me? Let me single this out for you.

Unfortunately, I don't think we'll see another show as well crafted and culturally meaningful as The OC come around again any time soon.

Are you still having trouble? Hold on.

as well crafted and culturally meaningful

Let me narrow this down for you.

culturally meaningful

As CULTURALLY MEANINGFUL as the OC, you say? The show that defined a generation? The show that ended apartheid and elected the first black President?  The show that single-handedly changed the way we view underprivileged white kids? The show that settled the NFL labor disputes and, in hindsight, predicted the earthquake and tsunami in Japan and tried to warn us with kitschy whore-mother scenes and Rachel Bilson whimpering her way through a script? Yes, I suppose you're right...the void left by the culturally significant program that is as ubiquitous in the collective hearts of America as the day Kennedy was shot and 9/11 has still yet to be filled. Woe. Woe are we.

What shocked me most, however, was that this wasn't written by a menopausal woman in her late-50's, Twilight hadn't been invented when this was written, and what's worse? A fucking man wrote this. I mean, we say "man," because his name is Jonathon Toomey, so I presume he has the anatomical equipment and chromosomal makeup necessary to be considered a man. But as far as being a man? As far as going into the fucking woods and chopping down trees and killing bears and having a grizzly beard and knowing how to field strip a gun and unclasp a bra with one hand while eating bacon with the other? Jonathan Toomey, if you're out there, find your nearest hardware store, purchase some sturdy rope, and hang yourself from the nearest tree/lamppost/erection-of-your-likely-gay-lover.

But right now? I'm hungry and this is more focus than I've put into anything I've done in at least a I'm feeling a little woozy. I think it's off to Subway for a five dollar sandwich that really costs seven dollars* so I can try and recuperate from the freshly reopened wound caused by remember the loss of The OC.

*Watch the entire series of The OC on DVD while I eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream and weep.


Ehhhhhhhhhhhh. The French.

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So I'm taking the opportunity of being unemployed AGAIN to learn myself some French. So I procured a copy of Rosetta Stone for French and I'ma do this shit. As I'm working my way through lesson one, I'm thinking "Wow. This really is intuitive. They have me thinking in French instead of thinking what the picture is in English and then brain-smooshing it into French. Cool!"

But then I noticed something was kind of fishy...what's going on with these pictures? Take the one for "Ils lisent" for example:

"Ehhhh look! Zee Snookie, she is...l'naked in zee newspapier!"

First of all, am I supposed to be learning that all men in France wear some variation of turtleneck? We've got micro-crew-neck, crew-neck and two full-on turtlenecks. This software is dated 2010, folks. Even Steve Jobs gave up the halfsie-crew-neck-turtleneck-neckaneck. Also, is that James Franco on the right? That guy is fucking everywhere!

We all know that all French men are gay. The movies, literature, history, the movies, and also the movies, have taught us that French men, even if gay, will have sex with your family and we will all be okay with it thanks to the debt owed to General LaFayette (if you catch my homage there, we're getting married). Which explains this image for "Les hommes cuisinet."

"Here Gerald. Let me help you." "Thank you Arnold. Claude, are you fingering me?" "Oui." "Bon."

Three men wearing aprons lovingly looking at a single pot that appears to be in a bathroom from the future. I call bullshit. These hommes ne sont pas de cuisson. The guy on the left is cracking open a vial of black tar heroine, the guy in the middle is the only one sober enough to hold the damn bowl still and the guy on the right just escaped sex offender/debtor's prison and needs him a fix before Chris Hanson shows up.

All in all, I'm learning French, I'm learning that the French people are shifty butt-snatchers with a penchant for drugs and turtlenecks.

I'd say I'm definitely improving as a person.


What the Hell, Subway?

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Okay. Maybe someone can explain this to me so I won't feel like I'm going out of my about-to-be-unemployed-again mind. Subway's $5 Footlongs, we need to talk.

Jared isn't handling the break-up so well...

So I like to have nervous breakdowns in public places, right? Who doesn't? I was heading to Subway so I could go cry in public and make people afraid of me and thinking "Yumbo, doesn't a turkey sammich sound like just the thing that will somehow make all the bad things go away? And at $5 it's a real steal!" Imagine my horror as I walk in the door and am greeted by the Sandwich Artist from hell. 

"Sir just to let you know before you ask, we are no longer offering any sub for $5. Only select sub selections are selectable for select $5 select offer selection."

"Okay so if I want just like...turkey and bread, how much is that?"


"But I can get a....'Cold Cut Combo' for $5?"


"You realize that's three kinds of meat. I'm only asking for one. It has to cost you more money to make a sandwich with three meats than to make a sandwich with one meat."

"Well that's not really the issue."

"What is the issue?"


"What is the issue? If the issue is not cost of making the sandwich, why is a sandwich with less on it more expensive than a sandwich with more on it?"

"Because it's not on the menu."

"Okay I understand that. I get you. Can I get the 'Cold Cut Combo' and get turkey instead of salami and have it still cost $5?"


"So you're going to make me a sandwich with two kinds of meat that I'm literally going to remove from the sandwich and throw away. Surely you can see that this is flawed logic. You can't just make it without the other two meats and ring it in as a Cold Cut Combo?"

"No sir."

Sigh. "Fine, give me the Cold Cut Combo with turkey instead of salami."

I proceeded to remove the other two fucking meats and eat my turkey goddamn sandwich while crying in the corner booth with only myself and "a cup for water." I got my turkey sandwich and I got it for $5, but Subway made me waste 14 slices of other meats just to do it. Because this is America, goddamnit.


Pandas 'n Stuff

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Look at my children playing!


Head-Cam (Video)

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So some redneck strapped a camera to a dog's head and was all "Hey dog go jump in the water and get me a dead water fowl!" And the dog obliged. This is literally the most boring video I'll ever post. But I'm posting it because you're all hungover anyway. Plus if I posted the video I made with the camera strapped to my head it'd just be me rinsing out my fleshlight and combing Ninja Cat relentlessly.

Here's something that might make up for it.


Frightened Rabbit - My Backwards Walk (Video)

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Unemployment Reaches New Highs

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I was never a "huge" Fred Armisan fan, but his show "Portlandia" on IFC has completely turned me around (and subsequently made me want to move to Portland.) Despite the constant love of spazzy cinematography, here's one of my favorite clips.

The first season run was a measly 6 episodes so make sure to watch it boatloads on On Demand if you want to show your support and ensure a longer run for season two.

Also, sorry I've been so absent. Life has been biting the shit out of the tip of my dick. Which is good because who wants shit in their dick? But bad because who wants to get their dick bit even if there's shit all in it?