Showing posts with label business. Show all posts
Showing posts with label business. Show all posts

Verizon iPhone in January? Mayyyybe.

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , ,

Okay all you Verizon junkies and funky monkeys, it looks like your time has come. After three tedious years of being tied to AT&T and their apparently questionable service, various sources are reporting that the iPhone is finally going to rest its svelte little figure in the laurels of Verizon.


So there ya have it, Verizoners. Sit tight and you, too, can know the joy.

In case you'd rather read about it from a million other places (or in case you don't trust me), here are some links to support my claim:
Boy Genius Report
Gizmodo
Engadget
AppleInsider

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Porn Has Spoken: Flash is Dead

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , , , ,

Ladies and gentlemen, pornography has spoken: Adobe's Flash is dead.


Starting with Apple's iconic CEO Steve Jobs releasing a snarky open-letter addressing why Apple has elected not to support Flash on its mobile platforms, it seems to have been an increasingly downward spiral for Adobe and its ubiquitous Flash software.

While a far cry from being dead in practical terms, the announcement from a major porn house declaring that they are moving to HTML5 instead of Flash could be the harbinger of doom for Adobe.

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Don't Worry About That Oil, It's Good For Your Skin...

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , ,

Courtesy of Gizmodo, check out this startling video of one possible trajectory of the oil in the Gulf of Mexico as ocean currents sweep it out into the Atlantic.


Giz blogger Jesus Diaz put together a composite image of the trajectory with a view of the Gulf from space.


Obviously the oil wouldn't be nearly that visible from space, but the image gives you a shocking sense of scale, and if you have anything of a care about the environment, should hopefully help you see the gravity of this situation.

I, for one, am boycotting BP, which is a shame because prior to this disaster I rather enjoyed BP's generally clean stores. I have to admit, their rebranding with the "greener" logo also had me subconsciously thinking "Now here's a company that cares about the planet. Plus they're British! Hugh Grant would never do anything wrong...*"

It would scarcely be sufficient for BP to go completely out of business; indeed I think that's the minimum of what we should learn from this. So all you Martha's Vinyard folks, enjoy your crabs and lobster while you can, before you have to get used to that slick, tar-like oil flavoring that's about to be in your brunch.

*Except get busted multiple times for getting freaky with hookers.

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The Day of Reckoning Is Nigh - Hide Your Undies...er....yeah.

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , , , ,

So like many of you, I spent hours upon hours yesterday trying to pre-order the iPhone 4. I worked out a pretty sweet deal where I was actually going to end up MAKING twenty bucks off buying it (more on that in a second), but thanks to the 1.7 trillion people who were trying to log onto either Apple or AT&T's website, I was faced with server errors and butt plugs and fairy pixies and a lot of this may be related to the three tabs of acid I took at 7 am. And the butt plug sale at ButtPlug-Mart.


As you doubtlessly saw from your constant refreshing of my blog, which I'm sure you do every day, I was facing this dilemma. I called AT&T, who told me their actual internal network was down and I was told to go the store.

GO TO THE STORE?

Excuse me, missy. This is 2010. I shouldn't have to get off my slender, svelte and muscled ass (thank you butt plugs!) to do anything I don't damn well please to do! Like pet the orange polar bear that was doing the Macarena on my bed (again, probably the acid). I have poked fun at people who gripe and complain about AT&T as the sole carrier of the iPhone.

Heyyyyy Macarena!

But with this, I came to realize that AT&T really has to be such an inept fucking company to not expect a jillion people trying to access their servers. Let's break it down, this is how I'm seeing the AT&T board meeting going:

EXEC 1: So, this new iPhone, looks pretty neat, eh? Apparently there are all kinds of "apps."

EXEC 2: Yeah, I heard there's even a calculator!

EXEC 1: Psh. Yeah right!

EXEC 2: No, seriously! If you turn the phone sideways it becomes a scientific calculator!

EXEC 1: What's that?

EXEC 2: I have no clue! Doesn't it sound cool!??

UNDERLING 1: Umm...should we maybe look at making sure we have enough bandwidth to handle all the demand for the iPhone 4?

EXEC 1: (aside to EXEC 2) What's an iPhone 4?

EXEC 2: (aside to EXEC 1) I don't know but I hope it's got a calculator!

EXEC 1 and EXEC 2 burst into laughter.

UNDERLING 1: Well it's just that when the first iPhone came out, our activation servers were so backlogged that some people had to wait five or six days to activate their iPhones. A lot of people were mad.

EXEC 1: But...they still paid for those days, right?

UNDERLING 1: Well...most of them, yes.

EXEC 2 picks up phone and dials an extension.

EXEC 2: Barry? Does Verizon have the iPhone yet? (beat) No? Great, thanks!

EXEC 1: Well?

EXEC 2: We're all set! Meeting adjourned! Who wants to go eat some babies?

EXEC 1: YUM!

And for that reason AT&T was yet again bamboozled by the number of people who want to get their hands on a sexy lil' device. 

Yours truly was among the unlucky few that despite approximately SEVEN HOURS of intermittent trying, was unable to pre-order one. Thankfully, a gent on Twitter by the name of @carpejoseph pointed out that you could reserve one at an Apple store via the Apple Store App (which is so poorly designed I have to wonder if Steve-O knows what's going on with it). After my third or fourth try, I was able to reserve one. I got an email from Apple saying to pick up my iPhone at 7 AM on June 24th. 

Let me ask you, which do you think I would rather do? Sit at home in my underwear drinking schnapps and abusing the Romanian child who works for me (don't worry it's nothing sexual, I just make fun of his lisp) or getting up at ass-o-clock in the morning to clean and load my AK-47 assault rifle and driving some amount of minutes to the closest Apple store so I can stand in the burning hot morning sun and then go inside a store of absolute pandemonium and get molested by thirty or forty people? 

The answer, people, involves my undies and a downtrodden but resolute little Romanian boy.

AT&T, ya done fucked up. Again. Don't make me jail break this mother fucker. Because I think Verizon's a bunch of dickfaces, Sprint is for octogenarians and T-Mobile is for people without credit.

Phildo - out.

Phildo - back in.

I forgot to tell you. If you already have an iPhone, iPhone 3G or iPhone 3GS, there's a great website called Gazelle that will buy your device off of you. They pay for shipping, handling, and handjos. Two of those are true. You decide. But seriously, great service to sell off old gadgets and end up with some cash in your pocket. Because my 3GS is in nigh perfect condition, I'm making a cool $350 off of it. Boo. Ya.

Phildo - back out.

*shit*

Phildo - back in.

Hey guys and gals, if you enjoy this, which I hope you do, the best thing you can do is share it with your friends and family. Maybe not your grandmother. She might be offended. But really that's the highest compliment you can pay me. Yes, I enjoy writing for myself, but it means a lot if you like it enough to share it with your friends. Thank you for reading, and remember, comments are always welcome!

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BP's New Corporate Logo Ensures Environmental Awareness

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , ,

Hey, just because they're aware doesn't mean they care.
(Image via Green Peace)

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Every News Headline Ever

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , ,

For those of you who read the paper, blogs, tumblogs, bumbleogs and warthogs, let me save you a little time. This is every headline you've ever read and every headline you will ever read:

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This Is What I've Been Talking About!!!

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , , ,

Ridiculous!

"Radio Station banned from Facebook for talking about privacy issues"

Is it just me or is that kind of the wrong way for Facebook to regain their user's trust?

Facebook: Yes yes, give us all your data so we can sell advertisements better.
User: So, I can still practice my 1st Amendment rights?
Facebook: Your what?
User: You know, freedom of speech? Freedom of the press? One of the founding principles of America?
Facebook: Ameri...what? Is that part of Farmville?

Yay freedom!


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BREAKING: Google Announces Google TV

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , ,

And I just can't find a reason to care.

Coverage after the jump.

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If I Was a Purebreed

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , , ,

Let me begin by saying I've spent much of my life being insanely awesome. So awesome, in fact, that my urine has been used to cure diseases in third world countries. Yes, I am so awesome that most of the people that know me don't even talk to me that much. I like to think it is because my awesomeness creates a sort of "force field" around me, in which the force of my awesomeness almost pushes people away. My physicians have told me that I suffer from clinical awesomeness, a real condition, partially genetic but also environmental. I'm told it's the ultraviolet rays from our very own Sun that give me my powers.

That being said, I have not lived my life without a sense of "What if?" The question that has dogged me since before I even had a dog (or cat) is the same question that drove Jay Gatsby to a life of fabulous excess. What if I had been born a purebred?

Pardoning the comparison to Mr. David Cross' treatise on the subject and by extension Louis C.K.'s thoughts on the matter, I write not on the subject of rich people being boring, but instead to say that to have a certain pedigree in life would be of inexhaustible usefulness.

Think of some of the great names in American history: Kennedy, Rockefeller, Walton, Proctor, Gamble and well, you get the point. To be born into one of these families is to enter a world of privilege and expectation that most of us plebeians will never know. Sure there are tons of millionaires out there, but there is a difference between old money and new money, as Jay Gatsby knew all too well.

Even though her recent lottery win made her the wealthiest woman in Mississippi, Lakwanda found it difficult to let go of some of the simpler things in life.

So without further adieu, I give you a list of things I would do if I were of a more significant pedigree:
  • Stage an elaborate hunting trip with several of my cronies, while keeping it a secret that we are actually hunting our recently wealthy friend Sebastian.
  • Drop heaping bags of manure onto McMansions in suburban America.
  • Fuck a model.
  • Make a smoothie out of money and drink it.
  • Go to hospital for drinking a money smoothie.
  • Go to Jamba Juice for a real smoothie.
  • Become a U.S. Senator, work my way up to a lucrative position like Chairman of the Senate Appropriations committee and frame a President for murder.
  • Get acquitted from treason charges after a cunning defense attorney comes up with a clever rhyme.
  • Write a book about how if I did frame a President for murder, this is how I'd do it.
  • Bail the U.S. Government out of a financial fuckhole.
  • Play a ton of gol...
Actually, y'know what let's pause here, how much swagger did J.D. Rockefeller and J.P. Morgan have when they, along with a handful of other preposterously wealthy men donated millions of dollars to bail the U.S. Government out of the panic of 1907? That's a level of swagger most NBA players don't even attain.

I've never known anyone that is the progeny of a well established American family. In fact, I don't think I even know anyone that has taken the time to figure out whether or not they actually are part of a well established American family. The extent of my knowledge of wealth and wealthiness is limited to that which I've seen in the cinematic classic, "Richie Rich."

There's more to life than badass water slides and slicked back hair? Poppycock!

If "Richie Rich" got it wrong, then I don't want to be right. Actually, instead of finishing this tract, I'm going to let you watch the extended theatrical trailer to the movie.


Tell me what would be not-awesome about having Claudia Schiffer as your personal trainer, your own amusement park and a fucking chair that LAUNCHES YOU INTO THE FUCKING AIR? Friends from an urban community? Fuck friends from an urban community. Fuck friends. I'll pay a bunch of hobos a dollar each to come sit in my magic chair and laugh my ass off as I blast their asses up and over my immensely expensive perimeter fence.

Yup. I'll take money.

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Perceived Value - Or: Why Consumers Cannot Continue to Rape and Pillage Businesses for Much Longer

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , , ,

Let me begin this post in a way that I thought would never happen. In a way that is so utterly shocking to me that I...I...I just don't know how to handle it. I was hanging out with some new friends last night, and was told by one that I look like the very object of my admonition, Robert Pattinson. Those who read my last post will be familiar with how I feel about Mr. Pattinson. I really have nothing against the guy personally, it's just that he's sort of the harbinger of the end of times. And that's not cool because I have a ton of stuff that I need to do before the Pattocalypse.

Actually, his hair kind of bothers me.

But really, I just needed to start things off by getting that out of the way. Hey, if I'm unwittingly part of the Pattocalypse, then that's the way it's gotta be. But you deserve to know.

Anyway, on to the subject at hand. Perceived Value in a deflated economy. Now, I'm not an economist, but I am insanely wealthy (*ahem*), which automatically makes me an expert on all things economic. Or ecumenical? I'm not sure. But either way I'm an expert.

I won't lie to you, the economy is tough, so tough that we have to constantly refer to our current place in history as "these tough economic times," a phrase which I believe should never again be uttered. So here we are in TTET (so I don't have to actually say it); everyone's wallet is a little thinner, they're having to tighten the proverbial belts. From the top of the food chain to the bottom of the gutter, everyone, everywhere feels the pinch. Consumers in general are placing exponentially more importance on the perceived value of products and services, making sure they get their money's worth. Take Microsoft's recent ad campaign about how affordable a PC is and look at how Microsoft takes not-so-subtle jabs at their competitor, Apple and Apple's supposedly astronomically higher prices.


Meanwhile, we have Apple responding (as shown above) with their value statment. "Sure, our prices may be a little higher, but look at all this added value you get in terms of fewer head-aches, crashes, viruses and so on.

Another example would be Ritz-Carlton's new "One" campaign. The luxury hotel-chain has smartly realized that families may take fewer vacations this year, even if they could afford more. Coming up with a new branding campaign built around the fact that if a family is going to take "One" vacation this year, it should be the perfect one. So they manage to keep that which made their business luxurious before, the impeccable service and facilities, but repackage it into something that has the same perceived value at a lower cost. Stay for five nights and pay for three? I'm not sure but even at $499 a night that might be a lucrative enough offer for me. That would certainly make the difference between me staying at a lesser hotel where my nightly rate for five nights might be lower than $499, but the total cost comes out to be the same. Smart, Ritz. Very smart.

But let's look at this from the other side. From the side of these businesses that are taking the initiative to show that they can still provide the same (if not better) value than the competition, but do it at lower prices.

What is the number one way a business can immediately cut costs? Payroll. Who do you absolutely not need and how quickly can you get rid of them? Between the associated healthcare costs (assuming that the business in question pays for healthcare) and the immediate benefit of relieving some of the bloat on the company's checkbook, layoffs are the quickest way a company can restructure itself and its assets without a copious loss of stability. Can one person do the job that two used to do? Frankly, yes. I cannot think of a time in TTET that a week or even a day has gone by that more layoffs from another company are making headlines. Just today I read that California's unemployment rate has reached a record-breaking 11.5%.

What the consumer may not consciously be aware of is that they are asking businesses to provide better service and value than they did before, and do it with less labor force. What we're exploring here is the potential that this behavior has to cause our current economic model to collapse, like an inverse version of inflation wherein the value of the dollar stays the same, but the cost of services has to become lower. Now, no sympathy to the big corporations out there, because ultimately it is their decision to cut labor, not the consumer's; however, consumers, especially those with the means to still spend, are caught in a tug-of-war with corporations over just where the line is drawn between the juxtaposition of value and cost.

There is a very fine-line between what you can blog about and what you cannot, in terms of those of us who are otherwise employed outside the blogosphere. So I will tread lightly here. The finest example I can come up with to make my point is in the problem-resolution and customer satisfaction area of my business. Customers who experience defects in our products and services are no longer satisfied with a sincere apology and a simple resolution. Customers are keenly aware that any and every business right now is so desperate to hold onto their market share (much less grow their market share) that even the possibility of losing a single customer can be viewed as near-catastrophic to that particular business. This is especially true if your business is in an over-saturated market wherein consumers have a variety of options other than your business. If you lose one, you could lose them all.

In response to this awareness from consumers, who are already receiving better deals across the board (this is not just referring to my particular business, but a more aggregate market-related observation), companies are having to get more creative with their solutions. I have a friend who bought three cans of shaving cream from Gilette and found out when he got home that each one was faulty and there was no air pressure inside to push the product out. After attempting to return them to the store he purchased them at and being told by a distinctly un-savvy customer care representative that the store had a no-return policy on toiletry items, he decided to write a letter to both the store's corporate headquarters and that of Gilette, to lament over the fact that all three lacked pressure. He heard nothing for two weeks. No phone calls, no letters, no emails. Then, the third week, he received a $25 gift card and an apology letter from the drugstore chain and a package from Gilette, containing 3 brand-spankin' new cans of shaving cream.

Is this response the new standard? By all means, no. If you buy a BMW and don't like it, I don't think they'll just let you swap it out with another model without still taking you to the cleaners, but then again the automotive industry is worth a whole different post. I tell you this story to illustrate just how far these major corporations, who, a year ago, would have let one customer go on such a complaint, are placing such an enormous focus on engaging their customers and building brand loyalty, even if this means spending a little extra cash at the moment to do it.

If you are a business, and you're already seeing narrower profit margins from having to lower your prices while still paying your (possibly smaller) labor force the same or more than you did the previous year, you can scarcely afford to put out more capital, whether in terms of products, services or cash. But you have to keep your customers and in fact, gain more customers. That's simple math. If you are charging less, you need more customers in order to make the same amount of money you would have made before. What this means is you really can't afford to let any customer go, even if it costs you a bit in the short-run. You're betting that you'll make it back up in the long run. The whole thing is very similar to President Obama's stimulus plan, a short term burst of spending that may put companies (or in his case, the country) deeper in the red for the near future, but will hopefully cause a long-term stabilization.

Can we ask consumers in a capitalist economy to understand the balance between the perceived value of a product or service and the associated cost to provide it? No. Lower demand will always dictate lower supply, ergo forcing businesses to find cheaper ways to provide this supply and still make more money. Concordantly, an overabundance of supply will always dictate lower demand, which will cause the same end result - lowering prices to get rid of supply overages and then maintaining lower supply levels while still seeking ways to make more money.

It is my worry that if consumers and businesses do not quickly come to a consensus on where the bottom line really is, we'll see businesses unable to sustain the operations necessary to do business because consumer demand pushes prices below the margin at which point the companies can still make a profit.

So what am I asking you to do? Go with the flow. Still push for value, because that's what consumers will do. But don't abuse the system. Don't be the person that purposefully tries to get something for free off of a company and then brags about to their friends, causing more people to do the same thing. Be a part of the stimulus by putting your money into the economy, not a part of the deterrent by expecting too much for too little.

There, I've utterly confused myself. I'm too exhausted from writing this to edit it. I'm just going to hit post and revisit this one later to edit it to the New York Times' editorial standards. I hope you've enjoyed my rant on Consumer Rape, that you will be a good little consumer and say "Yes Sir" and buy whatever crap some company is peddling and that you'll keep coming back for more over here at Your Headlights Are Out.

Don't think too hard, you might poo your pants.

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