It's 5:47 CMT and that can only mean one thing...

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And, simply put, I'm in love. (Admittedly, this is a little inside)


Thank You, Ladies (Video)

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Umm yeah. What they said.


This is beyond awesome...

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If you don't get this then we're not friends anymore. Unless we weren't friends to begin with.


I'm Falling Afuckingpart

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Fix me.

So I have this deviated septum. I've had it ever since high school when this fucking kid in a fucking play was supposed to fake punch me but then he actually fucking punched me in the nose. So I've lived the entirety of my adult life with chronically stuffy sinuses, frequent winter nosebleeds and just general olfactory curmudgeonliness.

Well, stops NOW. I've had this nosebleed for a little over 20 minutes, which I know I're supposed to go to the doctor if this happens. But I've been before. They just say "well you could have your entire fucking nose operated on" and then wipe their asses with money and lawsuit paperwork. But as of tonight, I've fucking had it. First order of business in 2011 is to get this shit operated on. Cut me open doc, bleed me dry! I'm fucking tired of fucking having fucking nosebleeds in the fucking wintertime! Everytime the air is the least bit dry my nose goes "Oh, ho ho! LET ME BLEED FOR A YEAR."

No, I don't do cocaine.

"Oh! Ho ho! BLEEEEEEDING!" Fuck. This. Noise.


I'll be the first to admit, I've been pretty hard on this body of mine. If our bodies are temples, then I'm some sort of weird militant lesbian buddhist waging a war against corporate oligarchy and my body is my battered Tibetan temple. But c'mon. The FIRST thing someone assumes when I'm like "Whoopsie! Time to bleed out!" is Oh I bet he does a shitload of cocaine. Well lemme ask you something, bucko, do I look like I do a bunch of cocaine? Fucking no I don't.

Okay. It's really fucking hard to find a concise video of a nuclear explosion, which is what I was going to try and use to close this shit fuck it.


Navy Pilots Playing "Dunk the Helicopter In Lake Tahoe" (Video)

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Whatever Happened to Maddox?

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I was going through a derelict image folder just now and found this screengrab...this guy has been around since the internet was just a place that AOL wiped its ass with. Wonder whatever happened to him. Its sardonic motherfuckers like him that helped build this playground we all call "the net."

Ha. Who calls it "the net?"



Google Launches Android Into Space (Video)

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This is just too cool. To promote the release of the forthcoming Nexus S, the latest Google-branded smartphone, those zany Googlers sent seven of the phones into the highest reaches of the atmosphere. The phones were running various Google apps like Maps, Sky Maps and Latitude to see how they would function under the different environmental conditions. Check out this insane video from one of the weather balloons Google used to send the phones up.

Just a heads up - if you're scared of being 100,000 feet above the earth and/or easily get motion sickness, probably don't click play. If you want to see awesome vistas of our planet and the admittedly adorable little green android, go ahead and click play.


Unfinished Business

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I was going through the archives here at the Updog Space Station and I came across a peculiar finding...I have about 50 half-finished or unpublished posts. Yikes!

Ever since declaring my intentions of publishing something to this godforsaken wannabe blog every day of 2011, I've been toying with the idea to have some "features," or what you might call "columns" in the real world of bonafide journalism/print media. Since we're operating under the illusion that people actually read this nonsense, I'm going to lay it all out there, put it all on the line, spread that eagle...?'s what I'm thinking for the columns (inspired by Twitter's daily memes):

  • Movie Mondays - I watch a lot of movies. I'm going to bitch, moan and complain about them on Mondays.
  • Tentative Tuesdays - I'm going to finish a previously unfinished post and then post that shit, yo.
  • Weird Wednesdays - Whatever the hell I want to post about. It's my fucking website.
  • Thoughtful Thursdays - Awww...feelings.
  • Fried Fridays - After a long week, sometimes what you need is a good cocktail. I'm going to drink it and then write about it.
Weekends I'm kind of leaving open. Because I'm in an open relationship with weekends. It's complicated. Will you be my dad?


Rail Guns Are Badass

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The Navy is joining NASA in the search for most ridiculously badass way to use rail guns. Because y'know, having more nuclear warheads than anyone else in the world isn't nearly enough to ensure national safety.

Gizmodo reports:

The Electromagnetic Aircraft Launch System (EMALS), can move a 100,000 pound jet 240mph across a 300 foot runway space. According to the Navy, not only is EMALS is a smaller and more efficient method of launching planes than steam turbines, it can deliver 30% more power. The Navy says they will to use this system to launch all aircraft from carriers going forward, including heavy strike fighters and lightweight drones.
Okay now for the video.

If launching fighter jets in preposterously small spaces at preposterously high speeds isn't your particular cup of rail gun tea, maybe this video of the fastest-moving projectile ever will give your "gun" a little bit more "rail." Heh. Like that? Me neither.

This is garbage. You know that, right? This whole fucking website. 


Alex Mack ≠ Extreme Militia

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I guess it was just a matter of time before they weaponized Alex Mack. It was either that or keep doing those Capri-Sun ads.


Remember the Motorola Razr? Remember all the stuff they've done since? neither...

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Motorola was once the name in cell phones, and to a lesser extent, portable consumer electronics. If you can harken all the way back to 2003 and 2004, the Motoral Razr was the hottest phone on the market. By October of 2005 it had sold nearly 40 million units. That's a helluva lot of phones in a pre-iPhone world. As the Razr became a ubiquitous phone in the hands of everyone from tweens to business mogels who still couldn't fully rely on their Blackberries and Palm Treos, it soon began to languish as the advent of the smartphone came and said "Can we come out to play?" As the Treo and Blackberry evolved, adding rudimentary apps and extra functionality that even the Razr V3's "iTunes compatibility" began to be too little, too late. Once the iPhone came on the market it was over for anyone who didn't have a direct competitor.

"Sweet bedazzled Razr, Chad!"

In fact, Motorola didn't post ANY growth from Q4 2006 until Q3 2010 when it finally launched a veritable smartphone competitor, featuring Google's Android OS.

A company that languishes that long, especially with a track record as a former industry leader, knows that it will take something big to bring them back into the mainstream as a competitor to the increasingly popular tablet devices like the iPad and the forthcoming slew of Android tablets like the Galaxy S from Samsung. That's why I find this particular teaser for 2011's CES conference to be of great interest. Is it possible that Motorola will once more create a compelling product? I, for one, am particularly interested. Competition drives innovation, keeps prices low and forces companies to constantly provide better products and services. A formidable challenge to industry leader Apple spells nothing but greater innovation and change in the portable computing industry.

What do you think? Is it too late for Motorola to make a comeback? At the very least they've shown that they're capable of making a clever advertisement - an essential skill if you're going to compete with the advertising geniuses over at Apple.

Haha...I love pretending that people read this.


And you thought your Powerpoint presentation was solid...

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I've been a big fan of Google Docs for quite awhile and use it regularly both for business and work purposes. I even thought I was pretty advanced in my usage...until I saw this. This trio of animators made this video in three days using nothing but Google Docs, effectively showing me that I have accomplished nothing with my life.


New Year's Resolution

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So. 2010 is almost over. Don't you worry your little heads though, my Year In Review is forthcoming (no, seriously). Before we get to all that good stuff I wanted to take a second and share my one resolution for 2011 - the one thing that I will not fail at.

In 2010 I have gone the whole year without a cigarette. If you knew me as a smoker (and ever went to a bar with me) you know how significant of a change that is. I went cold turkey, a show of willpower that the Phildo brand is not often associated with. So, emboldened by my accomplishment, I am going to undertake an unprecedented leap forward in 2011.

I am going to post something to this blog every single day of 2011. That's right. Like it or not. Content. Comin' atcha. Even if it's just some shitty video or picture like my last 8 million posts have been, I'm putting something up here.

Now that that's out in the open, don't be surprised if you see some changes in the look and feel of the place. 2011 is the year that this blog moves from "shitty blog that nobody reads" to "shitty blog that about 100 people read." You heard it here first, folks.

Whatever you decide to be resolute about in 2011, best of luck to you - don't join a gym though. You'll quit going. And don't start a new diet program. You'll just fall off the wagon after 10 pounds.

God...I'm so motivational, aren't I?


Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

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Just came across this oldie but goodie from the heady days of the Intenet's infancy.

To those of you not getting any - my sympathies.



An Elucidation on Cat Ownership

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Because baby-talk isn't annoying as is.
(Image Courtesy of XKCD.)


Happy Thanksgiving from Tatooine

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Leaving on a jet plane...

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The Story of a Life on Facebook (Video)

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Kind of a cool look at how Facebook will provide us with a much more comprehensive, if not more self-indulgent, history of our lives than previous generations.

*Note - My stance on Facebook remains the same - as long as it remains a necessary evil, I'll be there. Oh and thanks for clicking the link! Especially if you clicked from Facebook. Oh, irony.


Why I Choose Bank of America

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I can even do it at QuikTrip while I look for work! (via FailBlog)


Why Talking About Politics Is Less Useful Than Masturbating to Procreate

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I don't get political very often - in fact I think that our entire system of "politics" is inherently flawed beyond salvation and as such, just accept that until I can get Swiss citizenship I'll just have to be instantly hated in other countries of the world, subject to the same extremist ideologies we chastise in other countries and just another gear in the great big grinding machine that America has become.

But I digress. I'm not an anarchist. People need to be governed. That's evident in our anthropology; even before we evolved into humans, primates realized the benefits of having a "family" structure. And what is family, if not a form of government? It's ingrained in us. Someone needs to be in charge and someone needs to be on the other side challenging the one in charge. Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other side wins. Usually though, it's a little bit of both.

Think about the last fight you got in with a loved one. You really only have four options: 1) win outright, having the other party acknowledge that you have the winning argument 2) acknowledge that you were wrong 3) meet somewhere in the middle (because it's likely that each side contributed a bit to the fight) 4) completely disconnect from that person and never speak to them again.

Now let's extrapolate this and look at it on the aggregate, say as, oh I don't know, the big clusterfuck of a government we have. If the Republicans are daddy; conservative and protective, concerned with defense and protecting the sovereignty of his house; and the Democrats are mommy, interested in social issues, with a nurturing streak that can sometimes make the kids feel like they're getting smothered - then that makes the American people the kids. You've doubtless heard the expression "stay together for the kids," right? Sometimes Mommy and Daddy can hate each other's guts, but they still keep up the appearances so that the kids may have a chance at "normal." Ha! What's that??

Well Mommy and Daddy (forget about "Uncle" Sam - Daddy doesn't know about Mommy's relationship with him) are charged with caring for these hundreds of millions of babies. To do that they have to each go out and do their jobs each day to bring income into the house. Inevitably, sometimes Mommy and Daddy don't see eye to eye, and let's be honest - as a kid who didn't have moments where one parent was the "favorite" of the moment because they gave us what we wanted. Sometimes we got mad at Dad for not letting us stay out late, but it's only because we live in a dangerous neighborhood (and Dad likes to occupy his neighbor's houses with guns a lot) so we turn to Mom who offers to give us a ride as long as it keeps us out of trouble. Mom and Dad argue about it. We pick a side.

Either way, it's still in Mom and Dad's best interest to ensure the stability of their family - otherwise they'll lose the way they've been doing things all along. Not to mention how their pride keeps them from seeing a marriage counselor...

And so the family goes, dysfunctional though it may be; it chugs along. Mommy likes the lifestyle Dad is able to provide and Dad likes that Mommy takes care of the kids and keeps them from getting too rowdy when they feel shat upon.

Take a look at what's going on with the immigration issue in Arizona. Daddy doesn't want those dirty Mexican children to come play in his yard with his kids, because sometimes they don't say thank you and sometimes they take a toy back to their own house. Mommy knows that they don't know any better and argues that we should give them a chance. The kids are split on the issue. Some of the kids don't really like to play with these kids, some of them do. They take sides. They make a ruckus, they make noise on the issue until Mommy and Daddy are ready to pull their hair out. Point is - both Mommy AND Daddy are gaining support on the issue from their kids' respective favor.

If you're not with me, I'm going to dumb it down for you: the children making noise and vocalizing their support of Mom or Dad...that's the voters. Making a big ruckus and donating millions of dollars to their side. Mom and Dad know it's not the best, but it's what they've got. So they have a big drawn out argument over it and end up somewhere in the middle. Or Mom wins. Or Dad wins. Either way, what the kids had to say was really just noise. Mom and Dad are still going to make the decision they think is best, and when was the last time a parent took their kid's advice on a serious issue anyway?

So how does the story end? I'll tell you how it ends. The kids grow up, they go out and get jobs and live the same way their parents did. We have a 234 year old government. In anthropological time we (the American people) are barely toddlers. Nevermind that in geological time we're like...a protein on a strand of DNA in a probiotic soup. So go on, pitch your fits, pick your sides and donate your money. Mommy and Dadddy are just going to go ahead and do what they want to do anyway.

Eventually though, the kids will grow up, and it will get to a point where Mommy and Daddy aren't doing it for the kids anymore. And they'll have to choose - do they split up or do they stay together and let a counselor help them work things out?

I'd like to tell you that you'll get to decide, but from where I'm sitting, I'm out of juice.


Where the fuck is John Galt?

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Hello internet.

It's been awhile.

And boy...I, uh, don't know how to say this...but you've put on some weight.

Let's see. What's been going on? Where the fuck have I been? And honestly, who and where the fuck is John Galt?

I've been doing a bit of couch surfing as of late, resulting from the fact that none of you guys will give me any money. I've been dabbling in a bit of web development, spending time with my octogenarian grandmother and learning about...farming. What? That's like all she ever did. Who am I to get in the way of nostalgia?

So I've been feeling a little blocked up lately - part of it is because some relatively heavy shit has gone down, and the other part of it is that I haven't had internet for a little over a month (except for times like now, when I'm at a coffee shop). Also I've been eating a lot of cheese. So here it is, some of the verbal diarrhea that's been stored up inside me since my last post. I'll save the actual diarrhea for my porcelain throne.

Things I've Been Annoyed By:

  • The distance between Arkansas and Georgia
  • Delta Air Lines
  • This guy with shoulder length, wet looking hair that just walked into the coffee shop in an all white linen jumpsuit. 
Backstreet Boys Reunion?
  • Herman Cain
  • Hearing people talk about politics
  • Lisps
  • Hipsters (but that's really nothing new)
  • Neurotic tendencies , especially mine
Things I've Been Digging On:
  • This woman.
  • Any non-clothing articles made of leather. I figure the more leather I buy, the more hot female celebrities I can get to do PETA ads with their clothes off. Win/win, right? Sweet briefcase AND naked celebs?
  • The fact that Mel Gibson is an absolute fucking train wreck. I mean it sucks, but he seems hell bent on doing it right out in front of us.
  • The new Kings of Leon CD, "Come Around Sundown" (yes I realize the obvious link between that and hipsters).
  • The new business that myself and the aforementioned object of my affection are starting (details to come, as will I).
  • Positivity
  • The dude in the white jumpsuit from above. Who am I kidding? The fact that he actually exists practically proves the existence of God. A twisted, bizarre and latently homosexual God, but a God nonetheless.
Ah, I've missed being wildly inappropriate with you all. Ha. You all. Hi Phildo! Look! I'm on the internet! Yeah, dumbass. You're the one writing and reading this. Thanks for raining on my fucking parade, chump. 

I promise not to be such a stranger. And by that I don't mean that I'm going to stop hanging out at elementary school playgrounds and public parks in a van, I mean I'll post more. If you'll read more. Of me. Not of some other about shit. Yup.

Hugs! Ew. Stop. I have personal space issues. 


This Is Not an Update

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This is a video.


Recommendation Fail

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Hello Me

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Well folks (me). It's me (me) again. I have work tonight but I can't sleep so I thought I'd wake up and see what's going on on the interwebs. Most unsurprisingly, jack shit is going on (name dropper). It's funny, when you put stuff out there on the internet, it's [theoretically] there to stay. In this modern day and age any fat guy with a collection of pocketed sweatpants (and really, who doesn't LOVE sweatpants with a back pocket for liquor store runs?) can, in a sense, accomplish what the great authors of history have had to toil for.

For fuck's sake, the godawful Jason Chen at Gizmodo (too lazy to link...but you know where the fuck Gizmodo is) posts some of the most dreadfully awful commentary that I've ever read ANYWHERE. Annnnnd yet - thousands of page clicks a day. Look at their site stats on Technorati. It's ridiculous. used to be about connection. Look at the greats - Thomas Hardy, Alexander Dumas, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Hemingway, and if you're hipster enough, Kerouac. These guys are so well known that my spell checker doesn't even flag them as a problem. But there used to be a connection. People used to read not just to learn, but to share in experiences. And these men, these masters (in more than a few cases there are some female masters, too), they saw the human experience so clearly...the futility of trying to escape your reality while simultaneously realizing that you can still change who you are...their message is eternal. It doesn't matter what century you were born in - these greats write prose that speaks to generation after generation.

I'm as guilty as Chen (though with a better vocabulary and, I think, a better cadence to my writing) because I mostly publish mental masturbation material - throwaway writing (that nobody reads). Although my site stats have indicated that I've picked up something of a following in the Ukraine! So...holla to my Ukranian brothas from another motha and sistas from anotha mista!

Yes, I publish a blog. Yes, I blurt out quick spurts of information. But I work hard to make contributions to fucking literature, yo. That's the eternal conversation. Sure you can read it on your Kindle or iPad or Poopbox or whatever, but the point is - and my hope is - that books never die. The masters of history, the masters who through the gift of storytelling have reminded us of the human condition; those are the ones we should seek to emulate, or to at least learn from.

Enlightenment can be a pain - and it kills as many as it saves, but we owe it to ourselves to discover something outside what we know. I joke a lot about having no readers, and the stats indicate that most of you click a link and then drop out, which saddens me, but alas - I'm here to stay.

Take a moment. Put down your Blackberry/iPhone/Buttfacephone whatever. Turn off your Google Talk account. Log out of Facebook. Read this short story by the one and only man who I ever looked up to, F. Scott Fitzerald.

I know you won't. But think about it. Here's the link. I won't tell you anything more than it is a piece of prose that possesses such powerful imagery and such vivid character that...well. Let's just say it's worth it.

On a final note, I wish that J.D. Salinger had been publicly psychoanalyzed. From "Franny and Zooey" (another great short story) to his seminal work "The Catcher In the Rye," homeboy clearly explored his subconscious in a very personal and intimate way.

That's what I hope to do. Hopefully you and I can connect. Hopefully we'll share a random experience together and the world will...for once....seem a lot smaller. In the age of Chatroulette where you can see everything from random penises to disappointed men waiting for something other than random penises, we've lost our connection. The human experience is digitized - I say we go analog. I say we live together. We experience things together. The more that write about what's right...the better. There are few voices left that are not tainted by commercialism, let your voice be heard, let your voice be heard for free...that's what this is all about - in a world full of people yelling for attention, let us be silent and listen. Our fellow (wo)man will teach us about ourselves if we have the patience to listen, the forethought to learn and the determination to proceed.

If you do read this, whether Ukranian or otherwise, I deeply appreciate that you even slightly care what I have to say. I realize I'm just a voice in the ether (although, if I may brag....the 32,000th most read blog online), and maybe my voice means nothing to you, or something. But thank you. Thank you for enabling me to realize where I need to open up, and thank you for not reading or reading. This is, after all, my blog. So anyone else who comes is a welcome guest to a very real party. For now, I'm off to read some more Fitzgerald and hopefully grab some more sleep.

Nobody may love you, everyone may love you. You must first love yourself.


How to Post A Comment On this Mother Fucker (Or, a Lesson In Capitlization)

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Sorry I'm swearing so much today.

Not really, I guess.

Anyway, someone asked* me recently "so how do I comment on a post? I don't get it!" Well. I'm glad you asked, chemo-sabi (yeah, I know, poor taste right?).

There's two ways to put your thoughts onto my thoughts so we can make a thought sandwich:

  1. See that little speech bubble above the post? The one with the big fat ZERO in it? You can click that. It'll take you to the actual post's page, where there's a nifty little comment box.
  2. At the bottom of every post, there's a little "Read More" link. I don't know why it's there in every post - I'm not quite proficient enough in HTML to find what I did to make it that way, though I work tirelessly around the clock to figure it out. It's only supposed to be there when I want to entice you to actually read more of something - as a result, I get the feeling a lot of my posts that actually have more content after the "Read More" link don't get read. For this I can only offer you all a piece of my first born child. That's what people do to atone, right? Anyfuckingway if you click the "Read More" link it takes you to the post's page and...viola! Itsa baby boy! Or it's the comment box.
So comment. Converse. Interact. Please. We need to talk.

*Nobody actually asked that. I just really want you guys** to comment.
**There are no "you guys." I'm the only one that reads this, unless I'm at your house making you read this. In which case, I could probably use another beer.


Black Dog (Don't Read This)

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So I'm supposed to be this fucking writer, right? I mean I claim to be. I tell people "Oh yeah I have a blog," and then I turn around and go off on rants about how stupid the people of today are, how largely useless the internet is and how bloggers aren't real writers. Sure, I've been published twice, so I've got my writer's SAG card, if you will, but what the fuck am I contributing to the ongoing conversation? Why the fuck do you read this?

Hopefully because you enjoy it. Hopefully because, like me, you see that we too often don't realize all the things we claim to hate make up tiny bits of who we are. Hopefully because I make you laugh or make you think. More than likely its because I come to your house and MAKE you read it.

What am I trying to say here? Fuck if I know. Thanks, I guess. Keep coming, or don't. Its your life. I'm going to keep on doing this as long as I have thoughts to put out there - and I'm never going to write a bunch of books. I say that, because if I say that I will then we all know I won't. This is a blog of broken promises, of mockery, of sardonic observation and, oddly enough, about hope. Hope that if we all stopped talking long enough to listen, we might just learn something.


It's Not Me, It's You

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So hi.

It's been a hot minute since I've posted anything of worth. I want to apologize because I know all four of you that read this site are like "What's with all the YouTube videos, Phil?"

Well here's what's been going on:

  • Got myself a real freakin job.
  • Been working hard on Updog (an excellent podcast, if I may say so)
  • Writing a radio play that the Updog cast plans on releasing in about a month and a half.
So I've been doing shit. Yeah. Ninja Cat is still very ninja-like, I'm still pissed at a lot of things and people, so don't worry the status quo is being maintained.

I've got some work to do on the radio play, but I've got a post in the works for tonight that will literally knock your socks off (never mind that Mythbusters busted that myth already).

In the meantime, fuckcuntcreambitchshitassfuck.

I usually swear right? It's been so long I forgot my own shtick. Mazel Tov!


Street Magic

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Despite the fact that I've shown this to tons of people, it is sort of indicative of my night last night.



Darth Vader on the Subway

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This is why I take public transportation whenever possible.


DOUBLE RAINBOW OMG! (Thank you T-Pain)

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But seriously folks. I can't get this fucking song out of my head.

Now that you've seen what I saw, check out the far more boring original version that they link to. I'm SO making a ringtone out of this song.


Put This Inside Your Ears. No, Seriously.

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I've been a fan of Donald Glover, co-star of the NBC comedy "Community," since his earliest forays into the comedy world with the sketch troupe "Derrick Comedy." I was thrilled when I saw that NBC recognized his comedic talents and cast him alongside Joel McHale and Chevy Chase (seriously, who wouldn't want to do a show with Chevy Chase?) and equally shocked to hear that homeboy actually can carry a tune, too.

Check out this video of Childish Gambino (Glover's musical moniker).

If you like what you hear, Childish Gambino is offering up the album as a free download for a brief time.

One of my favorite Derrick Comedy sketches is after the jump.


This Is Your Brain On...Your Brain

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Today I will write about nothing.

Except that in so doing, I'm writing about something. Assuming that nothing is in fact something.

You can probably see why I contemplated not writing. Since I'm of no use to society on this day, I'll just waste all of our time and list some things that I'm currently digging.

  • Baby Carrots (or really any food that is baby-sized, like baby corn? Fuck yes!)
  • The debauchery of The Cabinet. Reminds me of my younger days.
  • My new moonlighting gig. Not literally, you silly readers! 
  • The fact that YouTube recommended a video called "The Most Racist Commercials" for me to watch.
This just can't be real.

  • Chicken quesadillas. 
  • Having absolutely no gumption to write anything substantial.

I'll leave you with this glimpse into what my life has been like the last six months.

I've got a few juicy posts in the works so stay tuned.


How Google Works

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Interesting look at how Google works. If you aren't afraid after should be.

(Click here to enlarge)


Apple to Consumers: "Maybe You Should Shove It Up Your Ass"

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There's been a lot of hullabaloo over the iPhone 4 and its alleged antenna woes. I've experienced the issue a few times myself, but it hasn't been anything that has caused a dropped call or anything. More troublesome, to me, is the increased sensitivity of the proximity sensor, which has helped me to do things like unintentionally create conference calls, put people on mute, hang up on people and put them on speaker. However, the antenna issue is getting all the attention.

Jon Gruber over at Daring Fireball has a hilarious take on what Apple is really trying to say in their press release, which claims that the iPhone has always used the wrong formula to indicate AT&T's signal strength. Apple kind of reminds me of a boss I used to have who would always blame the same one person whenever something went wrong.

Well. It's AT&T's fault. Helllllooooooo Verizon!

Gruber's thoughts:

Translation From Apple’s Unique Dialect of PR-Speak to English of the ‘Letter From Apple Regarding iPhone 4’

Source: “Letter From Apple Regarding iPhone 4”.
The iPhone 4 has been the most successful product launch in Apple’s history. It has been judged by reviewers around the world to be the best smartphone ever, and users have told us that they love it. So we were surprised when we read reports of reception problems, and we immediately began investigating them. Here is what we have learned.
We cannot believe we had to write this fucking letter.

To start with, gripping almost any mobile phone in certain ways will reduce its reception by 1 or more bars. This is true of iPhone 4, iPhone 3GS, as well as many Droid, Nokia and RIM phones.
We cannot believe we’re getting shit for this.

But some users have reported that iPhone 4 can drop 4 or 5 bars when tightly held in a way which covers the black strip in the lower left corner of the metal band. This is a far bigger drop than normal, and as a result some have accused the iPhone 4 of having a faulty antenna design.
(No translation necessary.)

At the same time, we continue to read articles and receive hundreds of emails from users saying that iPhone 4 reception is better than the iPhone 3GS. They are delighted. This matches our own experience and testing. What can explain all of this?
It really is a better antenna and gets better reception, overall, than any previous iPhone. That’s really the hell of this whole goddamn situation. It’s like a two steps forward, one step back design, except maybe more like three steps forward, because this thing is faster at downloading, 10 times faster at uploading, and most importantly is better at not dropping calls with a weak signal. But, yes, there’s that one step back, wherein it can suffer from unintended attenuation when you bridge the lower-left antenna gap with your skin, and frankly, we’re a little pissed that this one step back is getting all the attention.

We have discovered the cause of this dramatic drop in bars, and it is both simple and surprising.
We are going to blame AT&T.

Upon investigation, we were stunned to find that the formula we use to calculate how many bars of signal strength to display is totally wrong. Our formula, in many instances, mistakenly displays 2 more bars than it should for a given signal strength. For example, we sometimes display 4 bars when we should be displaying as few as 2 bars.
We decided from the outset to set the formula for our bars-of-signal strength indicator to make the iPhone look good — to make it look as it “gets more bars”. That decision has now bit us on our ass.

Users observing a drop of several bars when they grip their iPhone in a certain way are most likely in an area with very weak signal strength, but they don’t know it because we are erroneously displaying 4 or 5 bars. Their big drop in bars is because their high bars were never real in the first place.
Yes, with no case on the phone, your signal strength can drop by about 20 or even 30 percent depending how you hold the phone. We’re going to change the bar algorithm so that you’ll only lose one bar (maybe two, if you’re holding the phone obnoxiously tight or have gross sweaty palms) if you’re holding it that way.

To fix this, we are adopting AT&T’s recently recommended formula for calculating how many bars to display for a given signal strength. The real signal strength remains the same, but the iPhone’s bars will report it far more accurately, providing users a much better indication of the reception they will get in a given area. We are also making bars 1, 2 and 3 a bit taller so they will be easier to see.
We are braced for the backlash when, after installing this update, people who weren’t experiencing any problems at all with their iPhones start complaining, loudly, that their phones which used to get five bars now only get three or two or whatever from the same locations, and we all know — us and everyone reading this — that Gizmodo will immediately declare that the update has made iPhone 4 reception worse, even though we’ve just explained that we’re not changing anything related to actual reception, but rather only to how we indicate signal strength.

We will issue a free software update within a few weeks that incorporates the corrected formula. Since this mistake has been present since the original iPhone, this software update will also be available for the iPhone 3GS and iPhone 3G.
(No translation necessary.)

We have gone back to our labs and retested everything, and the results are the same — the iPhone 4’s wireless performance is the best we have ever shipped. For the vast majority of users who have not been troubled by this issue, this software update will only make your bars more accurate. For those who have had concerns, we apologize for any anxiety we may have caused.
Don’t fuck this thing up for us. We mean, have you seen the Retina Display?

As a reminder, if you are not fully satisfied, you can return your undamaged iPhone to any Apple Retail Store or the online Apple Store within 30 days of purchase for a full refund.
We dare you.
And take your class action suits filed four days after we released the goddamn thing and stick them up your fucking asses.

We hope you love the iPhone 4 as much as we do.
Seriously, have you seen it?

Thank you for your patience and support.
Don’t hold it that way or buy a case.

Gizmodo, the trashiest of tech-blogs, explains (while wiping Cheetos dust on their worn-out sweatpants and burping) their take on the software update here.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.


"Really, I'm NOT A Stripper!"

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Pics or it didn't not happen.

More like the Ho' Depot.*

*Not all strippers are whores. Some are just sluts.**
**Hey Oh!


The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time

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According to this person.

Video is NSFW, unless you work at a swear-word factory. Then you'll probably get promoted.


Sarah Palin Should Just Shut Up and Do Softcore Porn Already

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In another astounding testament to her superior intellect, Sarah Palin claims to have clear and vivid memories from when she was a mere three months old.

The Daily Dish reports:

Another Odd Lie?

01 Jul 2010 10:45 am

From a speech delivered at the International Bowl Expo in Las Vegas yesterday:
Palin recalled her youth when her father set pins in Idaho. "My Dad was on a Thursday night bowling league," she said. "He bonded with his buddies. I have memories of that point of my life which mean very, very much to me."
A press release confirms that account:
Professing a personal appreciation for the bowling industry, Palin also noted that, during his high school years, her father Chuck Heath Sr. worked as a pin boy and that she herself has fond childhood memories of watching him play in this Thursday night bowling league.
Palin was three months old when she left Idaho.Maybe there's some explanation for this that I don't know of yet. But the truth is: Palin constantly makes stuff up to appeal to whatever audience she is in front of.

God knows I have some great memories from my first weeks of life. I look back fondly on the incubator that nursed me to health, to the bigass needle they allegedly put in my brain for some reason (I maintain that I'm a genetic's why I have the super-ability to be amazingly awesome)...and don't judge me. We all know that there's only two places Sarah Palin can end up and one of those is the Red Shoe Diaries.


Shameless Plug - Updog

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Okay peoples! Here's the story...

Myself and a few like-minded individuals are doing a weekly podcast called Updog and I'd like for you to take a listen.

So what's it all about? Well I'm glad you asked. Updog is your moral compass, helping you navigate the troubling and often awkward waters of the modern social world.

Take a listen by clicking this link.

If there's something you'd like for us to cover on the show, you can email us, find us on Twitter me. I hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoy making it.


Never Go Full Retard

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So I've been on a big horror movie kick lately. Today I decided to peep Simon Says starring Crispin Glover, who you may remember as Marty McFly's dad in Back to the Future.

With acting like that, I've always felt sure Crispin would finally manage to hit his stride. Unfortunately, in 2006 he signed his death warrant by going full retard. Behold one of my favorite scenes in which Reggie B, the adorable finger-lickin' Bichon Frise pooch, gets literally squished beneath Crispin's mighty boot. 

I love movies like this...the ones that are so bad that you can't even be mad about it. Plus, seeing ol' Crispy Glove go full retard is a gift that just keeps on giving.

There is a scene in which the baby-voiced stoner character is sliding down a hill, narrowly dodging pick-axes smoking a fucking spliff.

God bless America.


Verizon iPhone in January? Mayyyybe.

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Okay all you Verizon junkies and funky monkeys, it looks like your time has come. After three tedious years of being tied to AT&T and their apparently questionable service, various sources are reporting that the iPhone is finally going to rest its svelte little figure in the laurels of Verizon.

So there ya have it, Verizoners. Sit tight and you, too, can know the joy.

In case you'd rather read about it from a million other places (or in case you don't trust me), here are some links to support my claim:
Boy Genius Report


Porn Has Spoken: Flash is Dead

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Ladies and gentlemen, pornography has spoken: Adobe's Flash is dead.

Starting with Apple's iconic CEO Steve Jobs releasing a snarky open-letter addressing why Apple has elected not to support Flash on its mobile platforms, it seems to have been an increasingly downward spiral for Adobe and its ubiquitous Flash software.

While a far cry from being dead in practical terms, the announcement from a major porn house declaring that they are moving to HTML5 instead of Flash could be the harbinger of doom for Adobe.


iPhone 4 vs. HTC Evo

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This is NSFW language-wise, but SO worth the watch.


Gilligan's Island - Take THAT, Lost!

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Just read this interesting piece over at NPR:

Bob Denver as 
Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Sorry, Skipper: Was Gilligan (Bob Denver) the devil in disguise?

Poor castaways. Each week they would devise a way off the island. Each week Gilligan would thwart their escape  usually with the best of intentions.

Years after the show ended, its creator, Sherwood Schwartz, admitted that each of the characters represented one of the seven deadly sins — Pride (the Professor), Anger (Skipper), Lust, (Ginger), and the rest. Gilligan was supposed to be Sloth.

But a closer viewing indicates that the island may well have been Hell — and the red-clad Gilligan the devil who kept them on his island.

The greatest part of the metaphor, though, is that if the others ever wanted to get off the island, what they needed to do was kill Gilligan — and that each of us has our own inner Gilligan, that sweet-natured, well-meaning part of us that always sabotages us from getting what we really want.

Maybe if we truly want to succeed in life, we need to kill our own inner Gilligan.

Whatever your thoughts on that are, it's at least interesting to ruminate over. Plus it serves as a satisfying "fuck you" to Lost.

That's right, J.J. Abrams, I'm still mad at you.

Anyway, I guess I'm off to kill Gilligan.


Awesome Shots of Chicago Being Smote by Ligthning

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I dig lightning of all kinds (especially greased lightning), but this video of lightning striking three landmark Chicago buildings simultaneously is too cool not to share.

(Source Link)


Don't Worry About That Oil, It's Good For Your Skin...

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Courtesy of Gizmodo, check out this startling video of one possible trajectory of the oil in the Gulf of Mexico as ocean currents sweep it out into the Atlantic.

Giz blogger Jesus Diaz put together a composite image of the trajectory with a view of the Gulf from space.

Obviously the oil wouldn't be nearly that visible from space, but the image gives you a shocking sense of scale, and if you have anything of a care about the environment, should hopefully help you see the gravity of this situation.

I, for one, am boycotting BP, which is a shame because prior to this disaster I rather enjoyed BP's generally clean stores. I have to admit, their rebranding with the "greener" logo also had me subconsciously thinking "Now here's a company that cares about the planet. Plus they're British! Hugh Grant would never do anything wrong...*"

It would scarcely be sufficient for BP to go completely out of business; indeed I think that's the minimum of what we should learn from this. So all you Martha's Vinyard folks, enjoy your crabs and lobster while you can, before you have to get used to that slick, tar-like oil flavoring that's about to be in your brunch.

*Except get busted multiple times for getting freaky with hookers.


My Joy Is Your Joy

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Because I love all my children equally. Or something.


Two Girls, One (World) Cup (O, Caca en una Taza con dos Mujeres que Comían Mientras Jugaban al Fútbol)

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I never watched Two Girls One Cup, and I'm really having to resist the temptation to link to it here just to mess with you. But I love you more than that.


Pentagon Working on Zombies? Yup. Zombies.

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Okay. Not really zombies, but the next best thing.


The Day of Reckoning Is Nigh - Hide Your

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So like many of you, I spent hours upon hours yesterday trying to pre-order the iPhone 4. I worked out a pretty sweet deal where I was actually going to end up MAKING twenty bucks off buying it (more on that in a second), but thanks to the 1.7 trillion people who were trying to log onto either Apple or AT&T's website, I was faced with server errors and butt plugs and fairy pixies and a lot of this may be related to the three tabs of acid I took at 7 am. And the butt plug sale at ButtPlug-Mart.

As you doubtlessly saw from your constant refreshing of my blog, which I'm sure you do every day, I was facing this dilemma. I called AT&T, who told me their actual internal network was down and I was told to go the store.


Excuse me, missy. This is 2010. I shouldn't have to get off my slender, svelte and muscled ass (thank you butt plugs!) to do anything I don't damn well please to do! Like pet the orange polar bear that was doing the Macarena on my bed (again, probably the acid). I have poked fun at people who gripe and complain about AT&T as the sole carrier of the iPhone.

Heyyyyy Macarena!

But with this, I came to realize that AT&T really has to be such an inept fucking company to not expect a jillion people trying to access their servers. Let's break it down, this is how I'm seeing the AT&T board meeting going:

EXEC 1: So, this new iPhone, looks pretty neat, eh? Apparently there are all kinds of "apps."

EXEC 2: Yeah, I heard there's even a calculator!

EXEC 1: Psh. Yeah right!

EXEC 2: No, seriously! If you turn the phone sideways it becomes a scientific calculator!

EXEC 1: What's that?

EXEC 2: I have no clue! Doesn't it sound cool!??

UNDERLING 1: Umm...should we maybe look at making sure we have enough bandwidth to handle all the demand for the iPhone 4?

EXEC 1: (aside to EXEC 2) What's an iPhone 4?

EXEC 2: (aside to EXEC 1) I don't know but I hope it's got a calculator!

EXEC 1 and EXEC 2 burst into laughter.

UNDERLING 1: Well it's just that when the first iPhone came out, our activation servers were so backlogged that some people had to wait five or six days to activate their iPhones. A lot of people were mad.

EXEC 1: But...they still paid for those days, right?

UNDERLING 1: Well...most of them, yes.

EXEC 2 picks up phone and dials an extension.

EXEC 2: Barry? Does Verizon have the iPhone yet? (beat) No? Great, thanks!

EXEC 1: Well?

EXEC 2: We're all set! Meeting adjourned! Who wants to go eat some babies?


And for that reason AT&T was yet again bamboozled by the number of people who want to get their hands on a sexy lil' device. 

Yours truly was among the unlucky few that despite approximately SEVEN HOURS of intermittent trying, was unable to pre-order one. Thankfully, a gent on Twitter by the name of @carpejoseph pointed out that you could reserve one at an Apple store via the Apple Store App (which is so poorly designed I have to wonder if Steve-O knows what's going on with it). After my third or fourth try, I was able to reserve one. I got an email from Apple saying to pick up my iPhone at 7 AM on June 24th. 

Let me ask you, which do you think I would rather do? Sit at home in my underwear drinking schnapps and abusing the Romanian child who works for me (don't worry it's nothing sexual, I just make fun of his lisp) or getting up at ass-o-clock in the morning to clean and load my AK-47 assault rifle and driving some amount of minutes to the closest Apple store so I can stand in the burning hot morning sun and then go inside a store of absolute pandemonium and get molested by thirty or forty people? 

The answer, people, involves my undies and a downtrodden but resolute little Romanian boy.

AT&T, ya done fucked up. Again. Don't make me jail break this mother fucker. Because I think Verizon's a bunch of dickfaces, Sprint is for octogenarians and T-Mobile is for people without credit.

Phildo - out.

Phildo - back in.

I forgot to tell you. If you already have an iPhone, iPhone 3G or iPhone 3GS, there's a great website called Gazelle that will buy your device off of you. They pay for shipping, handling, and handjos. Two of those are true. You decide. But seriously, great service to sell off old gadgets and end up with some cash in your pocket. Because my 3GS is in nigh perfect condition, I'm making a cool $350 off of it. Boo. Ya.

Phildo - back out.


Phildo - back in.

Hey guys and gals, if you enjoy this, which I hope you do, the best thing you can do is share it with your friends and family. Maybe not your grandmother. She might be offended. But really that's the highest compliment you can pay me. Yes, I enjoy writing for myself, but it means a lot if you like it enough to share it with your friends. Thank you for reading, and remember, comments are always welcome!


People Still Think Radioactive Boom-Boom Will Make Your Brain Go Sploosh

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First of all, how much do we love that title? Yes. We love it. Anyway, according to Popular Science, some blokes in San Francisco (or bears*, possibly) have decided that cell phone makers have to now provide hard-to-read graphs illustrating how much electromagnetic whatchamacallems enter your brain.

Badass futuristic eye-patch, or illustration of your brain melting? You decide!

Anyway, because I totally understand that image, I'm just glad I can finally have a reason to be glad that no one ever calls me. Except L.A. Fitness** They have really exciting deals if I rejoin now. Apparently. ***
*Sorry if you clicked the bears thing. I just couldn't resist the gay joke.

**And my mom.****

***Seriously, fuck you L.A. Fitness.

****And my grandma.



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Hulk want iPhone!

Related: I have got to stop referring to myself as the Hulk. Lou Ferrigno is going to sue me again.


Things I'm Pissed At

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Okay. It's Tuesday. It's hot out. This old dude across from me at the coffee shop has been blathering on and on about his stupid dead wife. She got hit by a bus. I know, right? Also pretty sure I'm suffering from withdrawal (meth, it's tough to kick, y'know). So, here's a list of things that are currently chapping my chappie.


How To Plug the Oil Spill

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I know I know, all I'm doing is posting other people's stuff the last few days, but my brain is made of mucus at this point. So cut me a break. I'm going to go down a bottle of anti-biotics and weep.

(via Penny Arcade)


Cloud Man Says Hello

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Give me money. Just sayin'.

(via Happy Chair Is Happy)



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So I was on WebMD trying to diagnose this pressure in my ears and sore throat and blah blah blah that is currently making it impossible to sleep and/or enjoy anything in life and I came across the following symptom:

Now, I'm no doctor (though I do play one on TV)...but tasting words? I have GOT to get down on this!

If you or someone you know can taste words, please click "Contact Me" above...and freaking tell me about it!


BP's New Corporate Logo Ensures Environmental Awareness

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Hey, just because they're aware doesn't mean they care.
(Image via Green Peace)


The Oil Crisis

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I just figured out how to stop the oil from spilling into the gulf!

You know how oil and water don't mix? If only we had a bunch of WATER to put with all that oil, it'd just separate out!

Wait a minute...


So I've Been Thinking

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My whole reason for quitting Facebook (I know...I told me so) was because of the opaqueness of Facebook's whole approach to privacy. As I'm so sure you all read my treatise on the subject, you'll be well versed in my reasoning. However, Facebook announced a few days ago some changes that negate some of my concerns. The keyword here is some.

So for those following at home, I'm now on the fence. 51% of me wants to stay off of it and 49% wants to jump back on...we shall see.

For now, I hope you are...I don't know...smelling good.


Iron Man 3

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I can't believe my eyes. This footage of Iron Man 3 just leaked to the internet and it just have to see for yourself. Video after the jump.


And You're Taking that Hummer Where?

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Look, some people think global warming is a myth and some people even think that Barack Obama is actually a white dude who underwent skin toning to become President.

Barack Obama's real name? Barry Oberstein.

But regardless of your environmental leanings, you'd have to be an absolute fucking crazy person to think that this oil spill going on in the gulf is a good thing. Over 5,000 barrels of oil a day are being leaked into the ocean. Now I'm going to resist my rant on how this whole crisis was caused by sub-par safety regulation brought about when the Bush-Cheney administration deregulated oil companies' drilling standards, and instead just say that it's been over a month of this (that's 155,000 barrels of oil folks) and it's STILL GOING. 

If you only check out one thing from this post (other than the links after the jump on how to help), please check out this infographic from the New York Times that shows the enormous reach and scope of this catastrophe.  It's clear that it is not an easy task to get something like this contained and cleaned up, but check out what you can do to help.


I got nothin'

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This is what I do when I can't think of anything to write. I post a video.


Every News Headline Ever

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For those of you who read the paper, blogs, tumblogs, bumbleogs and warthogs, let me save you a little time. This is every headline you've ever read and every headline you will ever read:


The Final Word on "Lost"

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If you're like me, you have a lot of questions that "Lost" didn't answer. College Humor did a pretty good job summing it up.

(via College Humor)


10 Things I've Learned From Unemployment, Pt. III

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Part III:
Dress to De-depress

So you've been laid off, fired, let go, axed, hacked, whacked, deep-sixed, butt-fuc...anyway. You're gone. You're funemployed. The first few weeks go by and you learn to adapt to this new and strange way of living.  If you're like me, your collection of sweatpants was either rediscovered or revamped, and a general malaise has begun to convolute your every action.


How to tell if someone hates you

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This is a simple litmus test to help evaluate how much someone dislikes you.


This Is What I've Been Talking About!!!

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"Radio Station banned from Facebook for talking about privacy issues"

Is it just me or is that kind of the wrong way for Facebook to regain their user's trust?

Facebook: Yes yes, give us all your data so we can sell advertisements better.
User: So, I can still practice my 1st Amendment rights?
Facebook: Your what?
User: You know, freedom of speech? Freedom of the press? One of the founding principles of America?
Facebook: Ameri...what? Is that part of Farmville?

Yay freedom!


BREAKING: Google Announces Google TV

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And I just can't find a reason to care.

Coverage after the jump.


True Love

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Wonder how long it was before they got divorced?

via (Failblog)


In Case of Fire

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I can't think that this would do anything but make matters worse (via FAIL Blog).


Today's Google Logo: Playable Pacman

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Thanks to John Gruber (@gruber) over at Daring Fireball for pointing this out, I probably would've gone all day thinking "Cool logo" and never noticed the "Insert Coin" option.

 Go ahead and apologize to your boss on my behalf for ruining your productivity today.


America Shocked at Hooters' Policy Towards Women

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Wait wait wait. What the shit? Okay. Watch the video first. Then we need to talk.


Facebook Knows Who You're Going To Hook Up With Next

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Tell me you feel safe after reading this:

Facebook Knows Who You're Going To Hook Up With (And May Not Be Afraid To Use It) (From Gawker)

I don't think I'll be able to get an erection for a week thinking that Zuckerberg might be calculating at this very moment who I'll hoo...oh. Nope. Yeah there it is.

Still, the whole thing is messed up, no? Excuse me.


Thoughts On the New Layout?

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Thoughts? Something you'd like to see that isn't here? Other than my mankini calendar, that is.

Let me know.


The Real Reason to Make Your Bed

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So you won't be tempted to get back in it.

Today's gonna be...special.

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