10 Things I've Learned From Unemployoment, Part. 1
Well it's been just over two months of unemployment, folks. If you missed how it happened...then I'm sorry, but I'm done talking about it. At least for now. I may feel the need in the foreseeable future. It's certainly been quite a journey; one filled with beards, Zack Galafinakis comparisons, confused intoxication and a few other things as well. I sit now on the cusp of some very serious job hunting, including a prospect that incredibly combines my love for all things dubbed "new media," the psychology of advertising, the advertising of advertising and the...THE INTERNET. I know what you're thinking, "He must be on another bender." And don't get me wrong, if I could be, I would be. Unfortunately the cash crunch prohibits even alcohol consumption. That's how you know I've gotten to the bottom of the financial barrel - no booze. I'm essentially living right at the poverty level; wondering where my next meal will come from, scrounging up pennies and quarters from wherever I can find them. The dollar menu is an unemployed man's best friend and his waistline's worst enemy. But that's another post. It is this very financial insecurity that brings me to the first thing I've learned from being unemployed:
Part I:
Saving Money is Hardly Easy: Easy to Do But Hard to Live With
Did you like that? It’s a little pun I came up with while sitting in my underwear for the last month. One of my biggest downfalls as a person has always been the proficiency with which I am able to spend money. Whether it’s an upgraded cable package, meeting up at a bar after work or just eating out too often, I am frequently found guilty of using my wallet.
What I found from the onset of unemployment is that it’s very easy to cut things out. For example, I called the cable company right off the bat to cancel my service. Easy. Living for a month without a DVR and 800 channels of glistening HD? Much harder. Friends (we’ll get to this) call to meet up for drinks still, and what am I to say?
“No man, I got like…no money.”
And this is what kills me, and may actually kill you, too (in which case you won't have to worry about being unemployed): your friends will never actually get used to the idea that you don't have money like they do.
Even then, it took some getting used to, but “Why don’t we meet up at your house or my house with a couple of brewskies?” eventually became easier to ask. It often has a much more “King of the Hill” feel to it, but again, in the interest of cost, it works out best for the unemployee (that’s another little term I coined – this one I came up with on the john). The point is, like it or not, you have to cut out unnecessary costs from the onset otherwise you’ll find yourself very very broke down the road. The challenge once you've cut out these nonessentials is to keep yourself active enough so that you don’t find yourself in the “Unemployment Spiral” which consists of staring at your wall all day, occasionally weeping. As soon as you cut out a lot of these things that may in some ways count as hobbies, you either find something to busy yourself with (like, oh, I don’t know…finding a job) or you end up memorizing the labels of the soup cans in your pantry. I have lived for two ridiculous months without steady income and a marginal amount of savings accounted for. Here are some tips, because at some point or another, you'll probably be unemployed. Because I will fire you. Copiers are NOT beds, Carol. 1) Call your creditors, utility providers, insurers and bookies and tell them you're unemployed. Unless you got fired for fucking the mailroom clerk on the copy machine and accidentally emailing copies of your naughty bits to your boss...then sue the hell out of them for spying on you. More often than not your creditors will be willing to work with you until you can get your finances sorted out.
2) Cut the cable. Turn off any unnecessary services. Cable TV? Sorry. Netflix? My bad, it's out! That prescription to Guns & Ammo? Gonesky! And...bear with me here...if you live close to a source of free wi-fi...you may be wise to cancel your internet, too.
I'm sending a signal to your box. Heh...did you see what I did there?3) Coupons. I know what you're thinking, because I thought the same thing. "Coupons? I'm no septuagenarian, I don't use fucking coupons." But check this shit out:
I bet she used a coupon for that sexy tank top, too.
Homegirl is crazy on coupons. Now I haven't gone that far, but you'd be surprised how quickly a buy-one-get-one coupon or two can help you save some cashola.
4) Conserve trips. Back when you had a job the H2 seemed like a good idea, didn't it? You were the king of the road in your unabashedly enormous SUV and 8 miles per gallon was your way of fucking as many things as possible.
Who is your daddy, and what does he drive?Conserving trips will not only help save your precious money from being spent on gasoline (and leaving a larger pool for your booze budget) but you'll also be doing...shit...there's something else...oh that's right, helping the environment. This pretty much speaks for itself; if you're a list-person (we'll get to that in a bit), figure out which things on your list are errands, and which are close together. You'll get more knocked out at one time and in turn feel slightly better about yourself when standing in front of the mirror thinking "Which sweatpants should I wear today?"
5) Cook at home. I know. I know. This one is tough. But if you can master the art of coupon-clipping and curb that burgeoning alcoholism, you'll have enough money to make some pretty great meals at home. This article from The New York Times has a great 10-item shopping list that I have bought on more than one occasion for around $15 and made 5 different meals multiple times. There are tons of resources around the interwebs for eating on a budget, so find them, Pokey.
6) Put your pride in the freezer. If you're lucky enough to have friends they will probably want to spend time with you.
You won't be able to afford their apartment on an unemployed person's salary. But they can still cook for you.
Obviously there's a lot more that can be done to save money while unemployed, but those six things have helped me to survive while I soul search and find what the next stage in The Life of Phil will be.
Part II: "We just think you're overqualified" in this 10 part series will be coming soon. Please feel free to share your own tips on saving money, because umm..*ahem*...I could use them, too. Until then, don't think too hard, it makes you look ugly.
5) Cook at home. I know. I know. This one is tough. But if you can master the art of coupon-clipping and curb that burgeoning alcoholism, you'll have enough money to make some pretty great meals at home. This article from The New York Times has a great 10-item shopping list that I have bought on more than one occasion for around $15 and made 5 different meals multiple times. There are tons of resources around the interwebs for eating on a budget, so find them, Pokey.
6) Put your pride in the freezer. If you're lucky enough to have friends they will probably want to spend time with you.
You won't be able to afford their apartment on an unemployed person's salary. But they can still cook for you.Don't be too proud to accept an invite over for dinner or the charity of a friend bringing some food over to you. Of course, if you don't have friends, then we're going to have to figure that out later.
Obviously there's a lot more that can be done to save money while unemployed, but those six things have helped me to survive while I soul search and find what the next stage in The Life of Phil will be.
Part II: "We just think you're overqualified" in this 10 part series will be coming soon. Please feel free to share your own tips on saving money, because umm..*ahem*...I could use them, too. Until then, don't think too hard, it makes you look ugly.
