Who I Am Not: Club Rat

Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , , ,

So I'm packing for my trip to Miami this weekend. One of my best friends is getting married and this is his bachelor party. I've realized a few things:

  • I own approximately ZERO outfits that could qualify as what a cursory Google search identifies as "clubbing" clothes. I don't go to clubs, I go to dive bars. When I was a suit, I'd go to a dive bar after work, in my suit. Since I've been unemployed, I go to dive bars in various models and makes of sweatpant/jean combinations. 
I don't even remotely know how to start to look like this.
  • Who the Christ buys a shiny ass shirt? Or even worse, those shirts with like a crazy ass dragon all up and down one side of it with just the claw arching over the back or whatever. Ugh.
  • I never understood the concept of just going up and being like "I'm grinding on you." I guess I'm too old fashioned. I prefer a lengthy courtship with letters hand-written with a quill pin and lots of pining in an orchard. And I hate that about myself.
Wouldst thou care to dance to this most distinguished Lady Gaga remix?
  • My physical fitness is missing.
  • My favorite pair of flip flops broke today.
  • I am broke today.
  • Did I mention I have like, no money? 
  • We're going to a casino one night, and I'm in charge of finding an idiot savant to come along with us. I have completely failed in this regard.
If I end up being Zack Galifinakis in this movie just because I have a beard, I'll be pissed.
  • I'm dicking around writing a blog post when I need to be finishing packing. 
See you in Miami, bitches!

3 blah blah blahs:

  1. Suniverse said...:

    1. Please, never wear a shiny shirt, unless you are going to a costume party.

    2. Those club guys? The hair gel eats at their brains.

    3. Watch Dangerous Liaisons and revel in the lengthy courtship. And the machinations.

    4. Dude. Nobody wants to hang with Tom Cruise.

    Have fun!

  1. Eunice Burns said...:

    An idiot savant wlll get in the way. Besides, you'll have to spend too much time finding toothpicks for him to count.

  1. Jessica said...:

    I actually shared this on facebook way back when you posted it. Hilarious.

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