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Ehhhhhhhhhhhh. The French.

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Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , ,

So I'm taking the opportunity of being unemployed AGAIN to learn myself some French. So I procured a copy of Rosetta Stone for French and I'ma do this shit. As I'm working my way through lesson one, I'm thinking "Wow. This really is intuitive. They have me thinking in French instead of thinking what the picture is in English and then brain-smooshing it into French. Cool!"

But then I noticed something was kind of fishy...what's going on with these pictures? Take the one for "Ils lisent" for example:

"Ehhhh look! Zee Snookie, she is...l'naked in zee newspapier!"

First of all, am I supposed to be learning that all men in France wear some variation of turtleneck? We've got micro-crew-neck, crew-neck and two full-on turtlenecks. This software is dated 2010, folks. Even Steve Jobs gave up the halfsie-crew-neck-turtleneck-neckaneck. Also, is that James Franco on the right? That guy is fucking everywhere!


We all know that all French men are gay. The movies, literature, history, the movies, and also the movies, have taught us that French men, even if gay, will have sex with your family and we will all be okay with it thanks to the debt owed to General LaFayette (if you catch my homage there, we're getting married). Which explains this image for "Les hommes cuisinet."

"Here Gerald. Let me help you." "Thank you Arnold. Claude, are you fingering me?" "Oui." "Bon."

Three men wearing aprons lovingly looking at a single pot that appears to be in a bathroom from the future. I call bullshit. These hommes ne sont pas de cuisson. The guy on the left is cracking open a vial of black tar heroine, the guy in the middle is the only one sober enough to hold the damn bowl still and the guy on the right just escaped sex offender/debtor's prison and needs him a fix before Chris Hanson shows up.

All in all, I'm learning French, I'm learning that the French people are shifty butt-snatchers with a penchant for drugs and turtlenecks.

I'd say I'm definitely improving as a person.

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What the Hell, Subway?

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Posted by Phildo | Labels: , ,

Okay. Maybe someone can explain this to me so I won't feel like I'm going out of my about-to-be-unemployed-again mind. Subway's $5 Footlongs, we need to talk.

Jared isn't handling the break-up so well...

So I like to have nervous breakdowns in public places, right? Who doesn't? I was heading to Subway so I could go cry in public and make people afraid of me and thinking "Yumbo, doesn't a turkey sammich sound like just the thing that will somehow make all the bad things go away? And at $5 it's a real steal!" Imagine my horror as I walk in the door and am greeted by the Sandwich Artist from hell. 

"Sir just to let you know before you ask, we are no longer offering any sub for $5. Only select sub selections are selectable for select $5 select offer selection."

"Okay so if I want just like...turkey and bread, how much is that?"

"$7."

"But I can get a....'Cold Cut Combo' for $5?"

"Yes."

"You realize that's three kinds of meat. I'm only asking for one. It has to cost you more money to make a sandwich with three meats than to make a sandwich with one meat."

"Well that's not really the issue."

"What is the issue?"

"Pardon?"

"What is the issue? If the issue is not cost of making the sandwich, why is a sandwich with less on it more expensive than a sandwich with more on it?"

"Because it's not on the menu."

"Okay I understand that. I get you. Can I get the 'Cold Cut Combo' and get turkey instead of salami and have it still cost $5?"

"Sure."

"So you're going to make me a sandwich with two kinds of meat that I'm literally going to remove from the sandwich and throw away. Surely you can see that this is flawed logic. You can't just make it without the other two meats and ring it in as a Cold Cut Combo?"

"No sir."

Sigh. "Fine, give me the Cold Cut Combo with turkey instead of salami."

I proceeded to remove the other two fucking meats and eat my turkey goddamn sandwich while crying in the corner booth with only myself and "a cup for water." I got my turkey sandwich and I got it for $5, but Subway made me waste 14 slices of other meats just to do it. Because this is America, goddamnit.

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Pandas 'n Stuff

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Posted by Phildo | Labels: , ,

Look at my children playing!

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Head-Cam (Video)

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Posted by Phildo | Labels: , , ,

So some redneck strapped a camera to a dog's head and was all "Hey dog go jump in the water and get me a dead water fowl!" And the dog obliged. This is literally the most boring video I'll ever post. But I'm posting it because you're all hungover anyway. Plus if I posted the video I made with the camera strapped to my head it'd just be me rinsing out my fleshlight and combing Ninja Cat relentlessly.



Here's something that might make up for it.

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