So there's this ex-con guy I know. Like...not a slicked-back hair wearing used car salesman who did a 3 year stint for touching his seventeen year old niece-in-law...we're talking a hardened criminal who did ten years for soliciting prostitution, dealing hard drugs and fucking shooting someone.

Why my office decides to keep him on staff continues to perplex me (I've come to the conclusion that he's part Native American or something and we have to keep him on staff to meet diversity requirements) because he's so vastly unprofessional that it's just astonishing...but I digress.

I loaned him twenty dollars two weeks ago. Y'know because I'm a white guy and any time someone insinuates that we're not giving or generous we go out and give everyone a bunch of fucking money and smallpox blankets and AIDS and shit. Well so I let him borrow twenty bucks for "bus fare" which is apparently what the so-stupid-that-you-have-a-full-time-job-and-you're-still-almost-homeless are calling "Four Loko money nigggggaaaaaaaz!" these days. He promised he'd pay me back January 5th, 2011 AD.

That day came and went. We are now onto January 8th...and I politely ask him,

"Where's my money?"

He replies, "Oh I'm 'on have to get that to you on the next one."

"The next what?"

"The next paycheck."

"What happened to this paycheck?"

"I um...I been taking the bus a lot lately."

Really? You're going to commit to this? You spent your whole fucking paycheck on bus fare? Where the fuck are you taking the bus to every day? Do you commute from fucking Oregon?

"Yeah. So that's bullshit. Don't bullshit me."

"Um...yeah but we cool, right?"

"No we not cool."

"Well it's just I...y'know I went out and partied a little hard."

I'm a white dude who grew up largely in a major metropolitan suburb and I don't even seriously say the phrase "partied a little hard." Bridging the ethnic divide we are not.

"OK so you're telling me now that not only do you not have the money that you promised me, but that you also don't have it because you made partying a higher priority than keeping your word? AND you're telling me that you lied to me about the purpose of the money in the first place? No. No we are not cool."

*pause*

"Have my money by tonight or so help me God I will spray you with pepper spray until your dead little eyes pop out of your skull."

I'm such a fuckhuggable delight.