Now get ready. Because this is the end of the world, douche-bag style.

It all starts out innocently enough. Circa 2008, some hack author decides to write a love story to compensate for the fact that she likely has more relationships with cats than humans at this point. Meet Edward. He's a nice guy, sort of, but a little on the weird side. The kind of guy who probably inexplicably wears clothes pins on his bookbag. That kid. Oh, except he sucks the ever-loving shit out of your blood whenever he gets the chance. Now, like the website I linked to above, I've only seen the preview for this movie, so everything I'm saying is based on that preview, and the fact that I have never been wrong before in my life. Ever.

So here we have Edward, then there's old what's-her-name, the angsty, pale, vampress-to-be who seems to not only have the uncanny ability of diagnosing that this Edward guy is a vampire, but is dumb enough to believe this is not a problem.

Lots of jumping, deeply misunderstood fighting and blood-sucking probably occur after this point.

Fast forward to the release of this film. Seemingly any creature on this planet in possession of a vagina made a bee-line to the box-office. Seriously. Did you see the ticket lines? It was like Noah's Ark, except there were no male animals. The book that some people said would overtake Harry Potter and subsequently the Bible in total sales became the movie that people couldn't help but see. It is interesting to note that I've seen Gideons soliciting hotels and asking permission to put copies of "Harry Potter and Secret of How to Be Weak" into all the guest rooms.

Now we already have the proper formula for what you could effectively call a world-takeover. Smash-hit movie. Women of all ages, from Tweens to post-menopausal are having Edward-fantasies. This is where it starts to get interesting...

Ask any woman you know if they like Twilight. I'm not even going to ask you what they're going to say. They're going to say "Yes" and instinctively start removing their clothes*. Now ask them "Why?" Can they answer you? No. Scared yet? We have an established pattern of women blindly in love with a fictional character who will promise you eternal love one moment and then dine on you like an all-you-can-eat blood-buffet. Yeah. Hook me up with some of that kind of lovin'. Come to think of it, that's probably what it's like to date Angelina Jolie.

So we have ol' Robbie-P (his name if he'd been a Backstreet Boy, I'm sure) getting mobbed in the streets of major and minor cities alike, women throwing themselves at him with reckless abandon; often admitting that they have no idea why (Wikipedia would not let me put this statement for lack of citation). We're in the year 2012 now. Three more movies have come out. Robbie-P, being a man (read: "horny") and an actor (read: "in need of constant self-validation through hollow, status-affirming relationships) begins mating with every woman in sight. And why not? Women seem to have lost the ability to differentiate him from his character, whom they love so much. Women who are not in his field of vision, so enthralled with the idea of their "beloved Edward" begin looking for men they imagine to be like him. The repressed bad-boys, the angry, misunderstood white supremacists, former hosts of E! Entertainment News, and last but not least, the entire fanbase of Slipknot. A generation later, there's a ton of illegitimate kids born to sweet, misguided women around the world and testosterone-infused, misogynistic and most importantly absent sociopathic fathers.

The perfect storm for a generation of permanently depressed/goth kids is at hand, people. With more and more men wearing the obligatory tight-jeans required to really pull off the depressed, "no one gets me because I wish I was a vampire like Edward so I can get some tail" look, sperm counts are sure to be lowered on a staggering scale. We're talking about the total disappearance of the male libido here.

And this is how it starts...more on the Pattocaplypse in the coming days. I have a lot of complex models and algorithms to work out to make sure my predictions are dead-on. Because we only have one chance to stop this threat. And only then can we rid the world of it's second greatest evil...

Until then folks, please try not to think too hard.

*If you are a woman who does not enjoy the Twilight books or movies, and still instinctively feel the need to remove your clothes, then please, live the dream.