Thursday, July 9th, 2009

Let me begin by saying that Ben, we love you. We really do. Your movies over the years have made us laugh, made us cry...or actually more likely made us cry from laughing too much. You have played some of modern cinema's most beloved characters, including (but not limited to) everyone's favorite trainer, Tony Perkis in Heavy Weights, Ted in There's Something About Mary and the ridiculously good-looking Derek Zoolander in Zoolander. You have written and directed or otherwise co-written and/or co-directed some of Hollywood's biggest comedies. You come from Hollywood friggin' royalty, man. And this is why I have to ask you:

Please stop making the "Awkward Comedy."

For many of us, life is awkward enough as it is. There is plenty of irony all around us, plenty of bizarre, uncomfortable situations (who can say they've never had to take a dump in a public toilet while the person in the stall next to you is performing an anal exorcism?) that we find ourselves in on a day-to-day basis that we don't need any more awkward. I got preposterously sunburned today, had to get on a flight piss-drunk and deal with TSA searching my bags ("Yeah, look, oh! Surprise! Shaving cream! What're you gonna take that, too?" And yes, he took it.), and have proceeded to turn into a burnt piece of flesh over the last 48 hours, but I'm not going to go and make a movie out of it. Maybe I should, though.

My point is, with the exception of There's Something About Mary (and the arguable few other moments of exemption in other movies), your most critically acclaimed (though often most financially unsuccessful) roles have been ones that exist in a world and within a script where the humor is not based off of situational irony, or your character's zany differences with other characters. The movies that come to mind as gleaming examples of commercial success but comedic lethargy are There's Something About Mary (largely carried to success by Matt Dillon's extremely dastardly Healy and the accessibility of Cameron Diaz's hotness), Keeping the Faith, MEET THE PARENTS (DID I MENTION MEET THE FRIGGING PARENTS? OH MY AWKWARD - IT's NOT FUNNY WHEN IT HURTS THE VIEWER!!!), Along Came Polly, Tropic Thunder and to a lesser extent the Night at the Museum movies.

I'm not going to insinuate that there are not memorable or comedically applaudable moments in any of these movies, but I will go so far as to say that based on what I know you can do, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

So this is it, Ben. You and me are on our last ride together. IMDB says your next project is called The Marc Pease Experience. If I flinch, grimace or otherwise feel my testicles retract inside of me even once during that movie, we're done.

With love, hugs and kisses,

Me

P.S. - "The Heartbreak Kid?" Really?? One of your worst, Ben. But I watched it all the way through. As Stan Bush once said: "You've got the touch. You've got the power." Just don't squander it on mindless scripts anymore, eh? Make me laugh with actual irony, actual satire and actual comedy.

P.P.S. - I would not be able to function as a writer without the existence of parentheses.