Hi everyone,

It's me. I'm here after having a few Jack 'n Cokes and the only thing on TV it seems is the AKC championship. So far it's some dude from Entertainment Tonight...Bob something? And some girl who really shouldn't be wearing a sleeveless dress.

Anyway, I figured this would be exceptionally boring, so for your benefit I'm going to be getting incredibly drunk during the course of the program.

Edit: 8:03 PM / Four Shots - There's some dude that looks like The Rajin' Cajun James Carville saying something about sallow cheeks.

First event is beginning and it's the Toy category! Get out your leotards and strike a pose, 'cause the gay is getting gayer!

Bob-Something said something lame about being a chauvinist because the male dog was wearing a bow. Way to go. Papillon means butterfly. You know what else means butterfly, Bob? Butterfly does.

The Chinese Crested is up. What a fucking ugly dog. Toy Poodle also ugly. What's sad is that the commentators really are proud that they've followed this competition for "years." And the worst thing is they aren't even as drunk as I am.

Edit: 8:08 PM / Five Shots - Bob is going chauvinist again! Ooooh this is so naughty. I'm surprised this isn't rated M for "Making me want to get drunker." Wait, wait...looking at a Maltese and it has THREE bows in its hair, and Bob doesn't say a thing?

The walk-people or whatever you call them are wearing Nazi-like sleeve bands. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Oh who am I kidding, where's Hitler when you need him?

Apparently there are "Junior Handlers" which is code for "slightly less sad than the regular kind." Ooooh a bull dyke! The human kind, not the dog kind.

Edit: 8:15 PM / Five and a Half Shots - This Afrin commercial is racist. Now there's a Tide commercial with some punkass bitch in a yellow shirt. She sucks. Jen with the green shirt in the Comcast commercial sounds extremely annoying - the commercial clearly says she takes an hour to tell a five minute story. I know people like that. And I kill them. Word? Word. RONI DEUTCH SAVED ME $35,000 ON A TAX BAILOUT! THEN SHE ATE OUT MY MOM! AHHHH!

THese are all commericals. I'm going to stop editing here so you can see a nautral digression.

Edit: 8:18 PM / Five and a Half Shots - James Carville lookalike just said something about short tits, I think. Bob Dickface is making everyone run around in dainty little circles and shit is getting real. I fully expect Ethan Hawke to show up somewhere and make a pensive, thinly mustachioed face.

Some chick with unfortunate breasts and far-apart eyes is saying something about Eukaneuba or Blue Danueba or whatever. Oh! Oh! Percy get your ass over here! We're about to start the Non-Sporting Dogs Event Section!! I'm SOOOO EXCITED.

Geico is involved in this shit somehow. Michelle Billings is a judge. Whoever that is. She looks like the Cryptkeeper. Y'know, from the Krypt

We just got an explanation of the word "withers" which is one of my favorite words in the English language. Seriously, say the sentence "This bitch is 26 inches at the withers" and tell me you didn't giggle. Just a little.

Barlkey has an owner with tig 'ol bitties. And bitch needs some de-frizz shampoo. Fuckin' A.

Edit: 8:24 AM / Six Shots - I was watching paint dry on the wall so I missed the last part, but the audience went "OHHH!" like the last dog got called to the principal's office. Hahahahah the dude said "She's a beautiful bitch and a bit of a brat, but she's a great dog." THIS is why I watch dog shows people.

Lhasa Apso is up with some chick that looks like my high school English teacher. Except with less formaldehyde.

This Bob guy is killing me, he's like the Uncle figure I wrote about a while back, the guy from the World Series of Poker.

HOLY CANKLES!!! Jolene Parreira the owner of some small bitch (ha! I can say this and mean it) has ankles like oak trees.

Okay, y'know what? The more I think about it, the more I realize that nobody wins. It's over. The internet is filled to the brim with porn and I'm watching a dog show? With commercials for lawyers wearing cowboy hats? Whatever.

I'm done with this, stop thinking, bitches. Especially at your withers.