Dear Internets,

It's that time of year again. You've had enough egg nog to last you until next year, the thought of turkey still makes you sleepy and you've already given up on at least two of your New Year's resolutions. If you think you haven't, look a little more closely. Aren't I such an "upper?"

Anyway, late January means two things in my world:
1) The Superbowl (11 minutes of actual game play and four hours of glorious advertising)
2) The Oscar nominees.
3) If there were to be a three, it would probably involve some type of crying, akin to caterwauling. Without all the rutting.

The Superbowl will be another post entirely (haha, don't you love when I say that? It's basically a guarantee that I'll never write about it), so today we are here for my take on the ol' Oscar Prediction bandwagon. Please keep in mind that other than the fact that I occasionally go to the movies and have never been wrong about anything ever, I am completely unqualified to be held accountable for any large bets you place based off my predictions.

And the winners are (bold and italicized):

Best Picture
“Avatar”
“The Blind Side”
“District 9"
“An Education”
“The Hurt Locker”
“Inglourious Basterds”
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
“A Serious Man”
“Up”
“Up in the Air”

Let's be honest. James Cameron fucked with your mind in this movie. It was all three dimensional and had some gay song that people liked. And it made a fucking billion dollars. Almost two. Even Bill Gates paused his Zune long enough to think "Was that the wind blowing?" Plus all these other ones, with the exception of "Up in the Air" aren't necessarily indie enough to fit the trend of the last decade's Best Picture nods going to pretentious indie "woe is me" movies.

At this point I'd like to go ahead and remind you I only loosely know what I'm talking about. So if you feel the need to interject an opinion other than "Oh my God, you're so handsome!" then please go smash your head through a panel of drywall and pour lemon juice in your eyes.

Best Direction
“Avatar” — James Cameron
“The Hurt Locker” — Kathryn Bigelow
“Inglourious Basterds” — Quentin Tarantino
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” — Lee Daniels
“Up in the Air” — Jason Reitman

Even though Quentin Tarantino has already popped an entire bottle of Viagra to draw attention away from that honking chin of his on the red carpet, Inglorious Basterds wasn't good enough to reward him with a tiny naked gold man. A blue man maybe, but that was Vegas and we're not supposed to talk about that. "The Hurt Locker" is just too lame of a title to really be taken seriously, "Up in the Air" had some great performances from the leads but I don't think you can safely attribute that to a visionary director. And "Precious?" What the shit-fuck? I had to make up a new profanity just to describe my disdain, disbelief and overall dissyness of a movie that is called "Precious." "Precious" is when someone else's kid shits their pants at the mall. "Precious" is when your cat gets into the peanut butter and leaves little peanut butter paw prints all around your house and you go to Home Depot to hire some temp labor to clean it up. If a movie called "Precious" wins any awards, I'm emigrating to Canada. In case that wasn't enough evidence, let me remind you that Avatar made two fucking billion dollars. James Cameron did nothing but think about blue people for ten years (he really would've loved that Vegas trip I took with Tarantino). He designed a new type of film and camera equipment for Christ's sake. If some fuck-brain wins for directing a movie called "Precious," which I can only imagine is about little ceramic dolls that come to life and have silent tea parties while Judy Dench weeps softly in the background, then James Cameron should be awarded full Presidential pardon for murdering America.

Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”

Clooney deserves it. Let's be honest. The guy has developed such a panache for these type of films. Each grey hair he gains makes him that much more believable as a lost soul seeking redemption for his past (drawing on his experience as Batman for inspiration, perhaps?). But Morgan Freeman is Morgan Freeman. Nelson Mandela straight up asked Morgan Freeman, "Will you be me if they make a movie about me?" And Morgan Freeman was like "Dude. Fuckin' A." Morgan Freeman's voice makes unborn kittens purr, unwed mothers proud and Olympic Athletes...well he doesn't really impact them. Plus apparently Nelson Mandela was some famous political figure in some city in Antarctica or something and that will automatically get people's award-glands pumping. Everyone else probably sucks. Well that's not true. I really like Jeff Bridges. But whatever nobody else cares about him.

Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

I don't know how to say this. Because I've seen Sandra Bullock in person and she did NOT look this good. This was five years ago. But homegirl stomped the fucking yard in The Blind Side. I would clean my act up if it meant snugglin' up next to that piece of a...oh, hello. I didn't realize you were still here. I have a soft spot for the movie because the crew and some of the cast stayed at my hotel during production so I'd like to see them do well. But did I mention Sandra Bullock's derriere? Someone get me some cornbread! I'm not sure that's related.

Actor in a Supporting Role
Matt Damon in “Invictus”
Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”
Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”

Didn't see any of these. But I heard that Stanley Tucci was like crazy or something. Plus I'm SO tired of Matt Damon's stupid face and stupid hair. Have you ever noticed how stupid his face is? It's SO stupid.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”

Just the facts, ma'am. Let's go over them. "Precious?" Ha. Fuck. Off. "Mo'Nique?" There wasn't enough of their first choice for the role, a poor working girl named "Nique." Anna Kendrick was aight, but she's not there yet. Maggie Gyllenhaal can go live in stupid face land with Matt Damon and Alyson Hannigan. Vera Farmiga just moved in with me and I just introduced her to "Oscar" so she's already a winner. That leaves old Penalohpee. Nine, from what I saw of it (Yay screeners! Yay A.D.D.!) was just the kind of shit the Academy eats up and Lady Cruz is easy on the eyes, ears, nose and throat. Ummm...moving on.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
“District 9” — Written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell
“An Education” — Screenplay by Nick Hornby
“In the Loop” — Screenplay by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” — Screenplay by Geoffrey Fletcher
“Up in the Air” — Screenplay by Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner

Baaahahahahhahahaah! You didn't actually think I'd give "Precious" an award, did you? "Up In the Air." The rest of them were written by my six year old that I just found out about.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
“The Hurt Locker” — Written by Mark Boal
“Inglourious Basterds” — Written by Quentin Tarantino
“The Messenger” — Written by Alessandro Camon & Oren Moverman
“A Serious Man” — Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
“Up” — Screenplay by Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Story by Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, Tom McCarthy

I am in no way, shape or form ashamed to tell you that I think "Up," more than any other of their movies to date, is Pixar's masterpiece. They literally could've ended the movie just after the exposition and I would've been just as endeared to it. For an animated film to create characters that demand such sincere emotional attachment is an achievement that I do not take lightly. There are no jokes, here folks. I think "Up" is one of the top five screenplays of the decade. There was not a dry eye in the house at the end of that movie. I need to watch it again. Now.

Animated Feature Film
“Coraline”
“Fantastic Mr. Fox”
“The Princess and the Frog”
“The Secret of Kells”
“Up”

Coraline was the dumbest movie ever. I wish this Tim Burton-style of not-quite-stop-motion animation would just disappear. The "Fantastic Mr. Fox" was so fantastic that nobody ever heard of it, even the cast and crew. While it was refreshing to see that Disney still has real animators on retainer, that story was a little too "Hey kids, isn't it great to be culturally diverse!" for me to be able to appreciate the story. I'm all about diversity. Hell, I went to Diversity University where I majored in Diversification of Non-Diverse Cultural Subgroups and the Correlating Diversities (or DNDCSCD as we lovingly call it). "The Secret of Kells" is still a secret to me. And surprise surprise, "Up" wins. If you haven't seen it, pause your reading of this and go see it.

Art Direction: