I don't get political very often - in fact I think that our entire system of "politics" is inherently flawed beyond salvation and as such, just accept that until I can get Swiss citizenship I'll just have to be instantly hated in other countries of the world, subject to the same extremist ideologies we chastise in other countries and just another gear in the great big grinding machine that America has become.

But I digress. I'm not an anarchist. People need to be governed. That's evident in our anthropology; even before we evolved into humans, primates realized the benefits of having a "family" structure. And what is family, if not a form of government? It's ingrained in us. Someone needs to be in charge and someone needs to be on the other side challenging the one in charge. Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other side wins. Usually though, it's a little bit of both.

Think about the last fight you got in with a loved one. You really only have four options: 1) win outright, having the other party acknowledge that you have the winning argument 2) acknowledge that you were wrong 3) meet somewhere in the middle (because it's likely that each side contributed a bit to the fight) 4) completely disconnect from that person and never speak to them again.

Now let's extrapolate this and look at it on the aggregate, say as, oh I don't know, the big clusterfuck of a government we have. If the Republicans are daddy; conservative and protective, concerned with defense and protecting the sovereignty of his house; and the Democrats are mommy, interested in social issues, with a nurturing streak that can sometimes make the kids feel like they're getting smothered - then that makes the American people the kids. You've doubtless heard the expression "stay together for the kids," right? Sometimes Mommy and Daddy can hate each other's guts, but they still keep up the appearances so that the kids may have a chance at "normal." Ha! What's that??


Well Mommy and Daddy (forget about "Uncle" Sam - Daddy doesn't know about Mommy's relationship with him) are charged with caring for these hundreds of millions of babies. To do that they have to each go out and do their jobs each day to bring income into the house. Inevitably, sometimes Mommy and Daddy don't see eye to eye, and let's be honest - as a kid who didn't have moments where one parent was the "favorite" of the moment because they gave us what we wanted. Sometimes we got mad at Dad for not letting us stay out late, but it's only because we live in a dangerous neighborhood (and Dad likes to occupy his neighbor's houses with guns a lot) so we turn to Mom who offers to give us a ride as long as it keeps us out of trouble. Mom and Dad argue about it. We pick a side.

Either way, it's still in Mom and Dad's best interest to ensure the stability of their family - otherwise they'll lose the way they've been doing things all along. Not to mention how their pride keeps them from seeing a marriage counselor...

And so the family goes, dysfunctional though it may be; it chugs along. Mommy likes the lifestyle Dad is able to provide and Dad likes that Mommy takes care of the kids and keeps them from getting too rowdy when they feel shat upon.

Take a look at what's going on with the immigration issue in Arizona. Daddy doesn't want those dirty Mexican children to come play in his yard with his kids, because sometimes they don't say thank you and sometimes they take a toy back to their own house. Mommy knows that they don't know any better and argues that we should give them a chance. The kids are split on the issue. Some of the kids don't really like to play with these kids, some of them do. They take sides. They make a ruckus, they make noise on the issue until Mommy and Daddy are ready to pull their hair out. Point is - both Mommy AND Daddy are gaining support on the issue from their kids' respective favor.

If you're not with me, I'm going to dumb it down for you: the children making noise and vocalizing their support of Mom or Dad...that's the voters. Making a big ruckus and donating millions of dollars to their side. Mom and Dad know it's not the best, but it's what they've got. So they have a big drawn out argument over it and end up somewhere in the middle. Or Mom wins. Or Dad wins. Either way, what the kids had to say was really just noise. Mom and Dad are still going to make the decision they think is best, and when was the last time a parent took their kid's advice on a serious issue anyway?

So how does the story end? I'll tell you how it ends. The kids grow up, they go out and get jobs and live the same way their parents did. We have a 234 year old government. In anthropological time we (the American people) are barely toddlers. Nevermind that in geological time we're like...a protein on a strand of DNA in a probiotic soup. So go on, pitch your fits, pick your sides and donate your money. Mommy and Dadddy are just going to go ahead and do what they want to do anyway.

Eventually though, the kids will grow up, and it will get to a point where Mommy and Daddy aren't doing it for the kids anymore. And they'll have to choose - do they split up or do they stay together and let a counselor help them work things out?

I'd like to tell you that you'll get to decide, but from where I'm sitting, I'm out of juice.