The Day of Reckoning Is Nigh - Hide Your Undies...er....yeah.
So like many of you, I spent hours upon hours yesterday trying to pre-order the iPhone 4. I worked out a pretty sweet deal where I was actually going to end up MAKING twenty bucks off buying it (more on that in a second), but thanks to the 1.7 trillion people who were trying to log onto either Apple or AT&T's website, I was faced with server errors and butt plugs and fairy pixies and a lot of this may be related to the three tabs of acid I took at 7 am. And the butt plug sale at ButtPlug-Mart.
GO TO THE STORE?
Excuse me, missy. This is 2010. I shouldn't have to get off my slender, svelte and muscled ass (thank you butt plugs!) to do anything I don't damn well please to do! Like pet the orange polar bear that was doing the Macarena on my bed (again, probably the acid). I have poked fun at people who gripe and complain about AT&T as the sole carrier of the iPhone.
Heyyyyy Macarena!
But with this, I came to realize that AT&T really has to be such an inept fucking company to not expect a jillion people trying to access their servers. Let's break it down, this is how I'm seeing the AT&T board meeting going:
EXEC 1: So, this new iPhone, looks pretty neat, eh? Apparently there are all kinds of "apps."
EXEC 2: Yeah, I heard there's even a calculator!
EXEC 1: Psh. Yeah right!
EXEC 2: No, seriously! If you turn the phone sideways it becomes a scientific calculator!
EXEC 1: What's that?
EXEC 2: I have no clue! Doesn't it sound cool!??
UNDERLING 1: Umm...should we maybe look at making sure we have enough bandwidth to handle all the demand for the iPhone 4?
EXEC 1: (aside to EXEC 2) What's an iPhone 4?
EXEC 2: (aside to EXEC 1) I don't know but I hope it's got a calculator!
EXEC 1 and EXEC 2 burst into laughter.
UNDERLING 1: Well it's just that when the first iPhone came out, our activation servers were so backlogged that some people had to wait five or six days to activate their iPhones. A lot of people were mad.
EXEC 1: But...they still paid for those days, right?
UNDERLING 1: Well...most of them, yes.
EXEC 2 picks up phone and dials an extension.
EXEC 2: Barry? Does Verizon have the iPhone yet? (beat) No? Great, thanks!
EXEC 1: Well?
EXEC 2: We're all set! Meeting adjourned! Who wants to go eat some babies?
EXEC 1: YUM!
And for that reason AT&T was yet again bamboozled by the number of people who want to get their hands on a sexy lil' device.
Yours truly was among the unlucky few that despite approximately SEVEN HOURS of intermittent trying, was unable to pre-order one. Thankfully, a gent on Twitter by the name of @carpejoseph pointed out that you could reserve one at an Apple store via the Apple Store App (which is so poorly designed I have to wonder if Steve-O knows what's going on with it). After my third or fourth try, I was able to reserve one. I got an email from Apple saying to pick up my iPhone at 7 AM on June 24th.
Let me ask you, which do you think I would rather do? Sit at home in my underwear drinking schnapps and abusing the Romanian child who works for me (don't worry it's nothing sexual, I just make fun of his lisp) or getting up at ass-o-clock in the morning to clean and load my AK-47 assault rifle and driving some amount of minutes to the closest Apple store so I can stand in the burning hot morning sun and then go inside a store of absolute pandemonium and get molested by thirty or forty people?
The answer, people, involves my undies and a downtrodden but resolute little Romanian boy.
AT&T, ya done fucked up. Again. Don't make me jail break this mother fucker. Because I think Verizon's a bunch of dickfaces, Sprint is for octogenarians and T-Mobile is for people without credit.
Phildo - out.
Phildo - back in.
I forgot to tell you. If you already have an iPhone, iPhone 3G or iPhone 3GS, there's a great website called Gazelle that will buy your device off of you. They pay for shipping, handling, and handjos. Two of those are true. You decide. But seriously, great service to sell off old gadgets and end up with some cash in your pocket. Because my 3GS is in nigh perfect condition, I'm making a cool $350 off of it. Boo. Ya.
Phildo - back out.
*shit*
Phildo - back in.
Hey guys and gals, if you enjoy this, which I hope you do, the best thing you can do is share it with your friends and family. Maybe not your grandmother. She might be offended. But really that's the highest compliment you can pay me. Yes, I enjoy writing for myself, but it means a lot if you like it enough to share it with your friends. Thank you for reading, and remember, comments are always welcome!
Phildo - back out.
*shit*
Phildo - back in.
Hey guys and gals, if you enjoy this, which I hope you do, the best thing you can do is share it with your friends and family. Maybe not your grandmother. She might be offended. But really that's the highest compliment you can pay me. Yes, I enjoy writing for myself, but it means a lot if you like it enough to share it with your friends. Thank you for reading, and remember, comments are always welcome!
